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Why I Hate America

By Osama bin Laden

Bio & Blog

It was my Birthday, yesterday -- not that you noticed.  No cards, no letters, nobody even hit up my secret facebook page!  I don't have a single comment on my wall!  What the fuck, people?

Maybe you should think sometimes, okay?  I'm fifty two years old. I don't need a lot for my birthday.  I'm not asking for aything fancy (though I've been looking through the Rolex catalogue lately... pretty nice), frankly, I'm at that age where I don't really know what I'd ask you for anyway.  All I want for my birthday is a little acknowledgement. 

"Hey Osama!  Happy 52!"  Would that have been so hard?  "And you smell like one too!  Just kidding, man!  Happy B-Day!!"  That would have done the job.  But nothing.  Nothing. 

3/12/2009 10:14 AM, Wouldn't YOU like to know?

Obamatrons are dangerous!

By Ann Coulter

Bio & Blog

3/18/2009 4:26 PM, New York

Pleasure your woman with big-ticket appliances!

By Pope Benedict XVI

Bio & Blog

Okay, I admit it. It was me who ghost-wrote the article in L'Osservatore Romano that said it was the washing machine, not "The Pill", that really liberated women. Sort of Holy Ghost-wrote it, if you know what I mean.

Lotsa people, they say "Hey Pope--whadda you know about women, huh?" To these people I say--I could take everything you know about women, stick it in my navel and still have room for some belly button lint--capiche?

I don't know what it is--chicks dig big appliances! Ask a woman which she'd rather have, sex or a new top-loading Maytag, and be ready to hand her the fabric softener. It's unreal.

Other people say--"Pope, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rule!" To these people I say--lose the bogus Italian accent already. I'm German!

3/16/2009 11:46 AM, VATICAN CITY

Obama is my boyfriend

By Nancy Pelosi

Bio & Blog

3/11/2009 1:28 PM, Washington DC
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Fight Club 2

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

Brad and I have been researching homes for the mentally disabled that might be a good fit for our daughter Shiloh, as we suspect that she’s retarded. (She refuses to call Cheetos by their proper name but says ‘Cheetoths’ instead, and indeed insists on pronouncing all ‘s’ sounds as if they were written as a ‘th’; she consistently reads words backwards; she refuses to hear what anyone says if they address her from her right side). In the course of our research we were horrified to discover that seven employees in one of our preferred homes for the mentally disabled have been suspended for allegedly staging a "fight club" among residents. Brad was so upset.

You see, Brad hates to hear about fight clubs because it reminds him of the film. Predictably, he burst out crying and sobbed, “I don’t get it—is it just one guy, or is it a ghost and another guy, or is it like a fraternity brother thing and it’s rush week—??!” He thinks The Reader was a commercial for American Literacy Outreach and is convinced that Shiloh is a Nazi because she can’t read, so.

The truth is, Brad is nothing like his character in Fight Club. I found this out the hard way.

3/10/2009 3:27 PM, LA