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A mulligan for cabinet scofflaws

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

My fellow Americans--everybody is entitled to make a mistake. Or two.

First, I pick a Treasury Secretary who doesn't pay $34,000 in taxes, and thinks summer camp is deductible. This is going to make IRS audits interesting. "If Tim Geithner can do it, why can't I?"

Then I pick a Health and Human Services Secretary who didn't pay $140,000 in taxes. Gotta hand it to Tom Daschle--he went all in on the flop.

So today, I am issuing a blanket "mulligan" or "do-over" or whatever you want to call it. Anybody I appoint to my cabinet will have outstanding taxes, fines and penalties forgiven, as long as they promise to be good boys and girls from now on, and don't have their fingers crossed behind their backs.

Because there's more coming. Energy Secretary Steven Chu owes the Stanford library $43.82 in overdue book fines. He checked out "Lord of the Rings" in 1994 and never returned it.

2/4/2009 2:29 PM, WASHINGTON, D.C.

I'm a journalist, not a "reporter"

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

Now that my ratings are up and my legs are losing their shape, I feel I can talk about journalism.

I am a Journalist, not a “reporter.” “Reporting” requires one to stand up and walk about. To be a Journalist, you need to remain seated, preferably behind a desk. The desk is optional, but the chair is mandatory.

CBS pays me too much money to get out of my chair. If they paid me less money, I’d be free to do “reporter” things, like investigate or provide context. As a Journalist, it is very important for me to remain seated at all times so that the “reporters” can do their jobs, which is to "report" back to me so I don't have to get up.

There are occasions when it is necessary for me to stand, of course. Recently, I got out of my chair to do a “walk and talk” with Sarah Palin. For those of you not in Journalism, a “walk and talk” is where a non-reporter type like myself decides to interview a famous person while walking around a scenic landscape. In the case of Sarah Palin, I decided it’d be cool to walk around in front of the UN Building.

You may ask, “But Katie, if you’re paid so much to sit, why would you want to get up and walk around as you conduct an interview?”

The answer is simple. Doing a “walk and talk” gives the impression of direction. We walk forward as we talk, therefore we both appear to have implied direction. In my “sit and speak” interviews with Palin, there was no implied direction at all--the interview went all over the place. One minute, we were in Russia, one minute we were in her daughter’s womb.... But, during the “walk and talk," our walking gave the impression of linear progression, even though it was just as pointless as our "sit and speak". Plus it provided "viewers" a chance to oogle our gams.

2/3/2009 9:45 AM, NY-Me

Lynyrd Skynyrd: way better than the Grateful Dead

By Britney Spears

Bio & Blog

First I just wanna say that I feel bad about how many weird old dudes got so upset over my last post; sometimes I forget that you guys didn’t really have much real music back when you were growing up. Plus I bet your iPods could only hold like 2 gigs. Seriously, you guys are like the bones of old dinosaurs – you’re covered in dust and your taste in music is lame, but you can sometimes teach us about ancient history n’ stuff.

So I just heard about this other band that was around back when you guys weren’t totally old yet called Lynyrd Skynyrd? You guys this is super sad but I guess their keyboardist just died, or at least that’s what the internet was tellin’ me. Anyway, I listened to some of their songs, and they kinda rock! Plus they look pretty cool.
2/2/2009 12:20 PM, Los Angeles, CA

I'm not just tough, I'm semi-tough.

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

Spare me, please, the crocodile tears of former Bush torture-master John Yoo in yesterday's Wall Street Journal. Just because I shut down Guantanamo Bay, all of a sudden I'm a softy. Puh-lease!

Has Yoo ever lived through a two-daughter slumber party on the night of his inauguration as the first African-American President of the United States? I didn't think so. That's toughness.

I said when I closed Gitmo that I rejected the false choice between our safety and our ideals. We can't be mean to people just because we want to be safe. I used to be a law school professor, and it's right there in the Constitution--mean people suck!

But before Republicans jump all over me for being soft on terror, here is the new list of rules for handling suspected terrorists:

1. If we capture you, we will release you. You should have just the same rights as a smallmouth bass.

2. We will discontinue waterboarding as barbaric. Instead, we will offer wakeboarding, step aerobics and pilates. Sign up early, because classes tend to fill up quickly.

1/30/2009 1:40 PM, WASHINGTON, D.C.
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Move over Algernon, Kate needs some flowers

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

I’ve been watching archival footage of the genocide in Rwanda for the past thirty minutes in an effort to sober up (I often do this in moments of hilarity, like when Brad worked up the courage yesterday to ask me if I like-like him) but I’m embarrassed to report that the guffaws keep bubbling up like so much Veuve. There goes Umbeke with the saw again. LOL. Why does my abdomen continue to contract in spasms of glee?! Jesus, Kate Winslet—you haven’t made me laugh this hard since Titanic. Fire Crotch LOL.

I know this post is uncharacteristically chipper but really, how am I supposed to keep a straight face when Kate pretended to forget my name during her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes? No amount of bumbling British charm is going to lift you out of this cesspool, lady. 

1/29/2009 10:00 AM, Long Island
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