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Paul Blart for Best Picture!!!

By Brett Ratner

Bio & Blog

I'm officiially spearheading the Paul Blart for Oscar Consideration boycott. If the academy does not reconsider it's shocking Oscar blackballing, we will be boycotting this year's ceremony.

So far only Tucker has agreed, but I have put out feelers to tens of other celebrities.

Please watch this behind the scenes look into the making of the film:

 

1/28/2009 4:08 PM, LA
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F you Blagojevich

By R. Kelly

Bio & Blog

This morning when I descended my late-Victorian staircase and passed through the fin de siecle foyer into the kitchen where my breakfast of eggs benedict had just been set down. Upon glancing at the headlines of the morning paper, I almost choked on my bechamel sauce. 

The embattled Governor of Illinois had said in fighting the corruption charges against him he drew inspiration from people such as Nelson Mandela, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi!

All those other guys were OK. But none of them ever had to fight defaming charges against their names. And worse yet, none of them committed baffling acts of moral degradation.

Did Martin Luther King Jr. ever piss on a pre-teen? I didn't think so.

I was going to write a song about him, but forget that. I guess us both being from Chicago means nothing.

1/26/2009 3:02 PM, Chicago
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Send the Gitmo prisoners to the South Side!

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

Jesus H. Freaking Christ--first day on the job and the fawning adulation has already stopped! Where's the love?

I've got tough decisions to make, like where to put the prisoners if I shut down Guantanamo.

Turns out Kansas doesn't want them. I never saw that coming. Great basketball state, I'm the "Basketball President". Fine, go on and be that way.

Other countries don't want them either. Who knew? I thought they were like old racetrack greyhounds. You know, nice liberal couples would adopt them.

1/23/2009 10:44 AM, Washington DC
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I don't know who Obamanos is either

By Amy Winehouse

Bio & Blog

1/22/2009 11:09 AM, London
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What is 'friends'?

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

 An article on the internet asked if I have any friends. I have a question for this article: What is 'friends'?

I know what a lover is. A lover is someone who cuts you with knives and uses your blood to nourish a garden from which he grows flowers to please you, and you smile coyly behind Venetian blinds as you watch him tend it, his muscles pushing against his skin in the sun, breaking his body for the production of beauty in your honor.

I know what a baby is. A baby is a tiny person who should live in my house. Baby sits on my hip as I carry it around using only the strengh of one arm; the other arm is not for baby but for lover, after dark, when the wolves cry out and rain pummels the spires of our castle.

1/20/2009 9:58 AM, Berlin
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