Real quick. Can someone please tell me what it takes to be an award-winning actor? Preparation? A willingness to lose oneself entirely in a character? Sure. I've got a third one. How about not being a rotting, maggot-filled corpse? I remember winning the Oscar for Capote and being praised for my complete transformation into the narcissistic, depressed Truman Capote. But I was the first to point out, I couldn't have done it had I not stayed alive.

Let's compare two of the leading candidates for best supporting actor in this year's Golden Globes:

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (me): A gripping command of the subtleties of mood , vacillating between villain and hero, causing DOUBT with every turn of the brow.
Heath Ledger: Dead

As the inventor of West Coast rap and unofficial spokesman for Hip Hop Nation, I have been heavily involved in high-level negotiations with President-electishizzle Obama's people. We have come to terms on an agreement of historic proportions.

Here's the deal. All rappers, hip hop DJs, pit bull owners, drug dealers, et ceterashizzle, if you're going to the District on Inauguration Day--pull up your god damn pants. Barack don't want to be embarrassed by you and your Beyonce or Playboy underwear showin'!

Also, no chains, no price tags hangin' off yo brand-new baseball caps. Cover up your neck tats. We gonna try to look respectable--for the day.

In exchange, we're gettin' a package of various considerationizzles:

Air Force One's gonna get pimped out, like in "Soul Plane".

Second, the next poet laureate's gonna be me. Unless somebody kills me first. I'll name my successor in my will. The lesbians had their turn.

If you think a Texan don't know when it's last call, you don't know Texans. Or alcoholics. And I'm both.

I am so outta here. Yeah that's right, I'm packing now. I don't wait around until the last minute. Like back at school, I would take my summer break two weeks before finals. Or when I was in the National Guard? I didn't even show up. Cause I'm ahead of the curve.

Besides, there's a lot of new faces around here. And I don't want them stealing my stuff. I got me a stack of pardons I never sent out (sorry Phil Spector). I got a candlelight shrine to Ken Lay. I don't want nobody sticking a picture of Bernie Mac in there. I got a levee (I should really put that one back).

Hey y’all! Long time no blog – I know right?? I’ve been like super busy getting my comeback on ‘n stuff. Seriously, it’s a lot of work! And don’t even get me started on the touring. See, sometimes my life gets so hectic that in my brain I’m like, “My life is a circus!” So then I put together this totally over-the-top tour and use that as the theme of the show; that way everyone can see what a circus it is. Get it?