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I am an unstoppable entity with a penchant for figurtive language

By The Recession

Bio & Blog

Did you hear the latest comedy joke? It's about president Obama and congress rallying to create a stimulus package to stop me. Haha! The punchline is in the utter futility of the attempt. Not laughing? Maybe you had to be there.

But simply put, your stimulus packages, your bailouts, are laughably ineffective. It would be like trying to stop a tornado by throwing a chair at it. Or attempting to keep the Titantic afloat by bailing out the incoming water with a shot glass. Do you get my point?

I am the recession and I use analogies excessively.

Your attempts at recovery are cute. When I'm falling asleep at night, I often smile at them with a mixture of endearment and condescension. As if you were a 5-year-old child who said you were going to be a fireman and the president when you grow up.

1/6/2009 10:32 AM, everywhere

I'm not getting skinnier, you're getting fatter

By Steve Jobs

Bio & Blog

Specifically your eyeballs are getting fat, and they're blurring your reality. You know when you see one of those mega fat people, the kind who buy two airplane seats, and then you see a regular fat person and they almost look normal. That effect is going on.

Also there's a hormone imbalance majiggy. But really it's about you being too fat.

My fingers are so skinny I can fit two comfortably on a single letter key, which is why I'm redesigning the keyboard to make each letter it's own touchpad. Based on which corner you strike and an algorithium that measures your finger's temperature, the computer will determine whether you wanted a lower case or a capital. Shift key, your days are numbered. Caps lock be afraid. I'm pulling the plug on the stupid AppleTV thing. This has more promise. Trust me.

1/5/2009 2:12 PM, Silicon Valley
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Why are scientists allowed to rewrite science, but I'm not?!?

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

Lately there has been a big hullabaloo about a Dr. Stephan Wolfram supposedly rewriting science with some oddball theory. In fact his book "A New Kind Of Science" holds a #2 ranking at

Now I don't know much about Dr. Wolfram or his "theories" and "math" but I do know that people deserve credit where credit is due... and Mr. Wolfram is taking all my credit!

You see friends I myself have been rewriting science for years! Whether I do it to explain how Jonah could live in a big fish or how Jesus could ride a T-Rex without getting eaten I've been SMAO (Sciencing My Ass Off) for the last 60 years! But why is it he gets all the praise and credit from scientists and I just get yelled at? I mean it took him decades to come up with his theories on universal alpo-rhythms, but my "there were dinosaurs in the garden of Eden" theory only took a couple of minutes to think up, which conclusively proves I'm faster and smarter.

1/5/2009 9:15 AM, Kentucky

I admit it--I'm a Vulcan

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

By now, you've heard all the rumors. I'm a Muslim--not that there's anything wrong with that.  I'm not an American--not that there's anything so hot about that. I'm a radical, I'm a smoker, I dribble left-handed and can't go to my right.

Lies, all of them--except the one about smoking. But you should know this about me--I am a Vulcan.

That's right--the super-rational race of beings whose most famous member is Spock, from Star Trek.

Look at it this way. Who would you rather have as president: a wack ex-POW like McCain, a low I.Q. ticket-balancer like Biden--both 100% human, as far as anybody can tell--or mutts like me and Spock, who have both human and Vulcan ancestors?

12/29/2008 10:38 AM, Washington, D.C.

Do you like pandas?

By Chinese gymnast Deng Linlin

Bio & Blog

Hi! Remember me?

Remember all that controversy over whether I was old enough to be participating on the Chinese Olympic gymnastic team in Beijing 2008? I was thinking it’s about time to set the record straight once and for all.

Birth certificate? No, I’m sorry we don’t have those in my country. But what we do have is this adorable live panda bear; perhaps this will work instead, hmm?

12/26/2008 2:50 PM, Anhui, China