News Groper began as a U.N.-sanctioned task force to foster free speech. Its original mandate was simple: create a forum where all previously misrepresented, misunderstood, censored-by-a-publicist or taken-out-of-context-while-on-multiple-intoxicants voices in the world could be heard.
Then, a war started somewhere and the U.N. outsourced both the News Groper project and something labeled “Special Attention: Peace in the Middle East Initiative” to independent humanitarians … us. (We, in turn, delegated the latter project to interns.)
We have received many questions concerning this important human-rights endeavor.
1. Is this real?
2. Do all your bloggers write in the same office and if so, wouldn’t there be fights between Ryan Seacrest and the Dalai Lama?
3. Do you have any photos of Lindsay Lohan blogging in her underwear?
4. Groping is a lewd, borderline harassing behavior. Can you change the name to News Cuddling?
To answer these questions:
1. “I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.” — Salvador Dali
2. Yes. They bite each other constantly.
3. Of course. They are triple-X hot!
4. Other fun synonyms for grope: fondle, finger, squeeze, stroke, poke, caress, frisk and parody blog network.
