Y'all know that I am a champion for the environment ever since I saw my first episode of Captain Planet, and normally when someone invents something "green," I give them a big high-five for saving Mother Earth. But this weekend, I found out that  some guys in Germany have built environmentally friendly bombs. "Hold on a second!" I said, but not out loud because I was all by myself. "That doesn't sound so good!"

I like that people are trying new ways to reduce carbon consumption (and taking pollution down to zero, as my buddy Captain Planet says), but no matter how environmentally friendly the bombs are, if you are around any kind of bomb when it goes off, you do not think of it as "friendly." You probably think nothing, because you just got blown up. Thus, I had a historic realization: not everything green is good. Don't believe me? Here are some examples:

Money: If you have no money, you may think it's a good thing, because it buys food and designer clothing. But people with a lot of money tend to buy carbon-consuming private jets and non-biodegradable breast implants. I think everyone would be happier with a bartering system, in which you would need 1,500 goats to purchase an airplane. For the record, if I had that many goats, I would donate them all to needy families, except my favorite goat, who I would call Albert.

The Great Gazoo: This little guy was always causing Barney and Fred a great deal of trouble, which I am sure they did not appreciate, as they had plenty of problems of their own, what with having to move their cars with their feet and all. (Actually that would solve the energy crisis, the obesity crisis and the puny calves crisis all in one stroke!)

The Celtics: Go Lakers!

I was sitting on my patio last night, enjoying a mint julep and thinking about ways I could make my mansion more energy efficient to get the vast right-wing conspiracy off my freaking back, when it hit me.

Here I was, watching the sun set at 8 p.m. because of Daylight Savings Time. It was nice -- but it was wrong.

Who is man and womankind to mess with something as fundamental as time itself? By adding an extra hour of daylight every summer, aren't we subtracting from the happiness of future generations? I started to feel all gloomy, and you know what I do when that happens--I decided to make you feel gloomy too.

I’ve said before that I’m finished with politics. After the 2000 election, I was so devastated that I curled up inside a cave on the Pakistan border, growing a beard and muttering Bush hatred. You see, I invented Osama bin Laden. In fact, the plans for 9/11 were stolen from my dreams using a holographic brain scan the Taliban purchased from the CIA. True story.

However, lately I’ve been smelling something sweet on the breeze, and for once it’s not wafting from Al junior’s blunt. Pundits are suggesting that a brokered Democratic convention could lead to an Al Gore nomination. Please excuse me while I talk my chubby down.

Well, it’s Earth Day, and normally I’d celebrate by wearing a body suit made of bird seed and letting the robins and finches freely explore the peaks and valleys of Planet Gore. But this is no time for the joys of man/bird love! 

As I recently announced, the climate crisis has not improved since the release of An Inconvenient Truth. What if I just gave up like you slackers? Instead of getting carpal tunnel syndrome by clicking through slides all day, I could be like you and save my right hand for manual pleasure.

Hillary and Barack, I can’t keep up this charade. First, the Big "O" calls to chat about carbon emissions and next thing you know, he’s telling me what he’s wearing (usually some kind of funky tunic). Suddenly, Hill-Hill beeps in, all hot-and-bothered about health care.

Funny thing is, when I see the two of you together in public, there’s less chemistry than in a Kansas homeschool program. I refuse to endorse either candidate until we break the sexual tension. I think it was Teilhard de Chardin who said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”

So, I’m inviting you over to the Gore Mansion. We’ll open a bottle of organic carrot juice and take turns stroking my slide projector. Next, we’ll try a few different cabinet positions and have a nice long session of congress. If I’m still not satisfied, we might need a fourth person to help me reach a resolution. Maybe Bill would like to watch!

Hallelujah, my message has gone global! Protesters in London and Paris tried to put out the Olympic flame to stop the wasteful combustion that contributes to global warming.

According to my mega-smash-hit documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” (now $14.99 at Amazon.com) torches are the third leading cause of greenhouse gases, just below cow farts and smoke from Iraqi car bombs. I often run through the streets of major cities, extinguishing tiki torches and dumping water on angry lynch mobs.

“Now Al,” you might ask, “don’t the Chinese need these torches to supply heat for their huddling masses?”

Two noble professions are joining forces. Lawyers and environmentalists have teamed up to stick it to the Man. It’s like we used to say in the 60’s, never trust anyone over 30 parts per trillion of methyl chloroform!

Last weekend, on Sixty Minutes, I announced the launch of my multi-millionaire dollar ad campaign to combat global warming. The ads are hip and shocking, like the one with Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson making love on the beach while I’m in the background giving the Heimlich maneuver to a dolphin choking on its own tears.

I’ve hired those guys from the caveman commercials (Little known fact: those ads were actually based on my post-election “bearded period”) and we’re cooking up a whole mess of trouble for those global warming skeptics.

Here are some ideas I’ve been tossing around:

Woe unto me! My heart dissolves into a sea of melancholy. A colossal swath of the Wilkins Ice Shelf in Antarctica hath collapsed into the ocean. Levels of black bile rise in my soul, paradoxically icing my passions whilst the planet boils.