Last weekend, on Sixty Minutes, I announced the launch of my multi-millionaire dollar ad campaign to combat global warming. The ads are hip and shocking, like the one with Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson making love on the beach while I’m in the background giving the Heimlich maneuver to a dolphin choking on its own tears.

I’ve hired those guys from the caveman commercials (Little known fact: those ads were actually based on my post-election “bearded period”) and we’re cooking up a whole mess of trouble for those global warming skeptics.

Here are some ideas I’ve been tossing around:

1. We get those Budweiser frogs to say, “Glo…bal….warming!” Then a hunk of glacier comes flying in and smashes them, splattering blood on the screen, and the blood spells out, “There’s no beer in Hell, right-wingers!”
2. We exhume the corpse of that “Where’s the Beef?” lady and get a team of Muppeteers to re-animate her. She can say, “Where’s the necessary signatures for the ratification of the Kyoto Treaty?”
3. I put on mascara and scream into a web cam, “Leave the planet alone!”

And you thought I was wonderful on the big screen ... just wait until I'm in your liviing rooms!