Hallelujah, my message has gone global! Protesters in London and Paris tried to put out the Olympic flame to stop the wasteful combustion that contributes to global warming.

According to my mega-smash-hit documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” (now $14.99 at Amazon.com) torches are the third leading cause of greenhouse gases, just below cow farts and smoke from Iraqi car bombs. I often run through the streets of major cities, extinguishing tiki torches and dumping water on angry lynch mobs.

“Now Al,” you might ask, “don’t the Chinese need these torches to supply heat for their huddling masses?”

True. China is primarily a torch-based economy. However, Chinese heathens worship four elements, not just fire. They must work with their primitive gods to develop power from water, wind, and earth. Some examples are found in my DVD, now available on the Chinese black market. Ask for Wang. Tell him Al sent you.