I’ve said before that I’m finished with politics. After the 2000 election, I was so devastated that I curled up inside a cave on the Pakistan border, growing a beard and muttering Bush hatred. You see, I invented Osama bin Laden. In fact, the plans for 9/11 were stolen from my dreams using a holographic brain scan the Taliban purchased from the CIA. True story.

However, lately I’ve been smelling something sweet on the breeze, and for once it’s not wafting from Al junior’s blunt. Pundits are suggesting that a brokered Democratic convention could lead to an Al Gore nomination. Please excuse me while I talk my chubby down.

Okay, I’m back. I had to use my Oscar to bludgeon my chubby into submission. Now, as I was saying, if neither Obama nor Hillary can win the nomination by August, savvy Democrats could start a “Draft Gore” campaign. Nice try, folks, but you can’t fool me so easily. I’ve got a lot of experience avoiding drafts.

I’ll say this one last time: I am absolutely, positively, transubstantially not running for president at this moment in time, May 5, 2008.