I was sitting on my patio last night, enjoying a mint julep and thinking about ways I could make my mansion more energy efficient to get the vast right-wing conspiracy off my freaking back, when it hit me.

Here I was, watching the sun set at 8 p.m. because of Daylight Savings Time. It was nice -- but it was wrong.

Who is man and womankind to mess with something as fundamental as time itself? By adding an extra hour of daylight every summer, aren't we subtracting from the happiness of future generations? I started to feel all gloomy, and you know what I do when that happens--I decided to make you feel gloomy too.

Sure, Daylight Savings Time was a good idea back when Ben Franklin was cracking jokes about the French sleeping late. But now that the earth's temperature his risen to the point where a liberal arts major like me can win the Nobel Prize--which is actually more prestigious than being President--Daylight Savings Time has become a threat to the future of the earth, the planet that made me famous.

Think about it. An extra hour of sunlight every day during the summer -- when it's already "hotter than a bitch wolf in heat" as my pappy would say -- we don't need it. We're killing off crops and using extra water to spritz spider plants in singles bars. Our wives are dehydrating themseIlves on the StairMaster at the health club, then they drink bottled water and forget to recycle in the blue plastic bin, not the waste basket. There are so many catastrophic consequences of that extra hour of sun, it's making my head spin!

I think I'd better sit down and have another mint julep.