Toxic waste is a serious problem that must be dealt with today. We can no longer wait for the problem to fix itself!  There's a place in India where waste has been accumulating for over 25 years, and it's starting to penetrate water sources ... and ... you know what, I can't do it. I'm just ... I'm sick of the whole environment.

Sure sure, I made a movie and won a Nobel Peace Prize off of it, and I'm proud of getting people thinking about their carbon footprints and all, but it's like that's all I am to people now! I'm the "environment guy" all the time. I like other things too! I like to fish, for example. But no one asks me about fishing. I like walking, I like the movies. I saw "Wall-E" this past weekend and found it to be delightful!  And sure, I thought that the environmental messaging in it was wonderfully subversive and clever -- but what I really wanted to talk about was how wonderful a small story about robots in love can be.

It's like that's all I am to you people now. I was a senator, you know? I was Vice President!  I can talk about anything, just like Jimmy Carter!  But my birthday comes around this year, and you know what all my "friends" buy for me? Trees. And not trees that I can have around my house. No, now I've got all these little cards saying that I have trees in my name in Israel, California, and the Amazon. Whoopdeedo!  I have enough of the damn things, I'm thinking of wallpapering a room with them!  Why can't they buy me a CD?  Or a new gadget? (You know I'm registered at the Shaper Image?) I don't know something to show me that they thought about more than just my stance on global climate change? 

Oh no, I'd much prefer a tree in goddamn Brazil that I'm never going to see. You know what I'd really like? I'd like to be in a commercial once in a while. I like being on screen, and a commercial seems like it'd be only about a days work. That seems fun to me. Honda's got an SUV now that gets 23 miles to the gallon. That's still pretty shitty, but if they want to make that seem like it's environmentally friendly, you know what they should do? Put Al Gore into the commercial. Let all them Green Peacers choke on that little bit of irony.

You guys want to build a car with better emission standards. Good for you. You want to stop swimming in a lake full of toxic waste. Great.  I'm thrilled, really thrilled, but for once, ask somebody else about it. I'm going fishing.