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Al Sharpton’s Blog

Y equals MX plus B

By Al Sharpton

Bio & Blog

I’m tired of these shock jocks playing the confused puppy that spilled the milk routine. Imus and Opie claim they didn’t know it was wrong to spill the milk; they’re just little puppies with pug faces and mischievous (albeit endearing) natures, who wouldn’t know milk if they were suckling it from the teat. Well I say Azerbaijan!

If a white person finds it necessary to identify a person of darker skin pigmentation, they should refer to that person as His or Her Blackness informally, or, in moments of praise concerning a female, as Chocolatess. (But they should never, under any circumstances, praise a male by referring to him as Count Chocula). I understand that the temptation to be an idiot is sometimes too great, which is why I’m officially drawing the line in those other circumstances. No longer will a shock jock ask, “Is this over the line?”

Mathematicians tell us that the equation for a line is mx + b. The slope of the line, “m” will represent racial pejoratives spoken in adjective form. Words such as: taco-breath, Jew-horned, slanty-eyed, or crazy-ass (as in crazy-ass Mormon) will be assigned a value of one point. However, adjectives that are intended for the diaspora (e.g. nappy-headed, broad-nosed, thick-lipped, athletic or more-prone-to-developing-a-major-medical-condition-such-as-heart-disease-or-Diabetes) will receive a score of two.

We’ll substitute traditional noun slurs (such as: spic, chink, dot head, camel jockey, Macaca, menorah, Mormon) for the coefficient “b” in the equation. Again, noun slurs such as brownie, darkie, Negro, ape, coon, buffie, burrhead, powder burn, quashie, rastus, pickaninny, gable, tar baby, jigaboo, teapot, kaffir, ink-face, Unlce Tom, Aunt Jemima, alligator bait, porch monkey, Jim Fish, jungle bunny and Rhineland bastard will be valued at two.

Use of the word nigger will add more points than a human or a counting machine can compute.

Any line drawn above y = x+1 is over the line and the violator will be automatically fired from his/her job and be given a lashing commiserate to the value of that line.

Let’s take some examples. Big-booty ink-face (2x+2) would be egregiously over the line, whereas wife-swapping Momo (1x+1) would be right on the line.

Interestingly — labeling a person who asserts their Irish identity despite having little to no understanding of Irish culture and custom, and who also happens to have a prosthetic appendage — a peg-legged Plastic Paddy is actually under the line as “peg-legged” is only offensive to pirates with canon injuries (too rare to be taken seriously—like Inuit). Such a pejorative-caster can feel free to add an insult without crossing the line. Might I suggest peg-legged, butthole-surfing Plastic Paddy if the individual’s sexuality is in question.

Now that this matter is settled I can retire. I do not anticipate another incident will ever occur which will necessitate media-whoring as a means of furthering a personal cause.

Thank you and goodbye.

 

7/3/2007 4:47 PM, New York
2 comments

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Comments

terrence:

Well i'll be...this was both funny and insulting...oh well life goes on...

7/22/2007 12:38 AM

adam:

that shit is fucking hilarious, nice work!

7/19/2007 12:58 PM