Whitie has a long tradition of usurping things that belong to us: Rock'n'Roll, the Jew-fro, Halle Berry's fine self. But what I just found out is a whole new level of hijacking.

The next valedictorian of my alma mater Morehouse's graduating class is going to be some white dude! (By alma mater, I of course mean metaphorically -- I dropped out of Brooklyn college to tour with James Brown and never graduated college.)

And guess who's memory this kid evoked when justifying why he accepted the honor:

"What Morehouse stands for at the end of the day, and what Dr. King epitomized, it's not about black or white, it's about the content of [a person's] character. It's about me, representing Morehouse in that light -- not as a white man or a black man."

Ick! Gag me. It's always MLK they quote. Well I took the time to survey a few other influential black leaders and am happy to report back their quotes. (Ed. note: Since all of these sources were dead, I took the liberty of guessing what their responses would be.)

Frederick Douglas: "I had to sneak into a shed to learn how to read. Did this guy face any hardships like that? Didn't think so."

Nat Turner (slave rebellion leader): "That rebellion may have been a bad idea. But not as bad of an idea as letting this white kid be valeDICKtorian."

Malcolm X: "Denzel Washington portrayed me pretty accurately in my eponymous film, but don't you get the feeling that either him or Jamie Foxx are the automatic go-tos for insert historic black person. If there was a movie about you Al, I'd cast Lawrence Fishbourne or Djimon Hounsou."

Tupac: "The United States government murdered me!"

Biggie Smalls: "No, it was me, Bitch."