If you've been following the presidential race the last couple days, you've no doubt noticed all this talk about race cards. First Barack's camp accused McCain of using it. Then McCain countered by saying that Barack was actually the one playing the race card.

How can all these people have race cards in their possessions? The answer: they don't. There's only one and I have it:

If there were multiple race cards the article before race card would be "a" as in "Barack is playing a race card." But the "the" proves there is only one. It's a very powerful card. Kind of like the queen of diamonds in hearts times 10. Maybe times 100. And these candidates want me to just let them have it?

I'm not unreasonable. I would consider trading it for a bounty recompense to the awesome value of this resource. How about giving me one of the smaller islands in Hawaii and filling it with Mermaids and every model of Schwinn bicycle that has ever been made (including tandems)?

Oh you can't do that, it's not possible? Well then, neither is use of my race card.

You can even rent it from me. I have an idea: in exchange for one use of my card, fill up a water tower with cherry soda, drop me inside and let me drink my way out. Surely that can be arranged. You know what, just fill the tower with cherry soda, tell me it's location, and I'll take care of the other arrangements.

I've always wanted a room that was just a giant mattress filled with pillows. Screw it, this is quite a prize. I want a whole mattress house filled with pillows. And it should be able to float on water. And have canons.

Gentlemen, I await your offers.