This new website Stuff White People Like is blowing up on the internet. Apparently with Dave Chappelle off the air, people haven’t gotten their fix of racial humor. Basically the way the site works is they pick something white people like and describe it. Stuff like reading the Times on Sunday, eating expensive sandwiches and threatening to move to Canada. I’d like to submit a few entries for their consideration.

#1 Monopolizing resources

The vicious cycle of poverty in the black community is inescapable for most — better teachers are assigned to white neighborhoods with more income. After hoarding all the resources, white people like to role around in it like their infamous “jump in piles of money” parties.

#2 Nooses

You don’t see black people taunting whites with a common symbol of their heritage’s deaths: the IV drip. After leading long fulfilling lives with access to the best health care, white people suffer slow deteriorations around the age of 110. But black people don’t leave IV drips on their front porches.

#3 Shooting Sean Bell 50 times

Seven shots doesn’t kill a black man as 50 cent proved. So best to tack on an additional 43 just to be safe.

#4 Calling me racist

White people like to say, “You know what I think, Al Sharpton is really the racist!” as if no one ever come up with that conclusion before.

Ok I admit it. That’s really all I know for sure. White people have always been a mysterious people to me and I admit that my understanding of them can be somewhat limited and conspiratorial. So forgive me if these next ones are more of a stretch:

Associated Press

There’s a ridiculous article out that is trying to decide which is worst: racism or sexism. The very concept of this article is an offense — to gauge, rank and pit these hate-filled doctrines against one another when it’s so clear which is worse.

It’s as absurd as comparing pedophiles to secretaries, flesh eating bacteria to orgasms or racism to antisemitism.

Like for instance, how backwards is it to get offended when people say Jews are good with money when Blacks aren’t given the socioeconomic opportunities to be considered in any financial stereotype?

Associated press

Does it ever feel like the people we are trying to help are as ignorant as the people who made the blasphemous remarks in the first place?

Pardon me, I am speaking in vague generalities and not concrete realisms. Simply put, Kelly Tilghman is a racist for saying in jest that Tiger Woods should be lynched. Also Tiger Woods is racist for not realizing how racist Kelly’s remark was. And what’s more, Golf is a racist.

Can an organized sport be racist, you ask? Oh most certainly. Case and point — bobsledding. Specifically Cool Runnings v. The international competitive sledding community.

In case you needed it, here is more proof that Golf is racist:

• Annika Sorenstam – One has to assume that if she were a black lady, there would still have been protest against her playing on the men’s circuit. Race probably would have entered the discussion.

Apologies, it’s been awhile since I last posted. But I have an excuse. Federal Agents raided our offices and confiscated my computer on suspicions of tax fraud. Outrageous! Everyone knows that the Diaspora doesn’t have to pay taxes until 2084 because of slavery reparations.

Not only could I not blog about injustices, blasphemies, and ludicrousies, but I couldn’t visit my favorite site, CuteThingsFallingAsleep.com (I really wish they would get rid of their baby content, everyone visits for the kittens, puppies and occasional bunny.)

Associated Press

But I write today to tell you of my appearance this morning on Don Imus’ new radio program. I arrived just after 6 am and was immediately taken aback by the décor. The walls were painted into one giant confederate flag, and instead of large microphones hanging down, there were nooses. As I entered the studio, Imus’ producer Bernard McGuirk shrieked “One of them! The day of reckoning is upon us!”

Oh boy penal system, you’ve really done it this time! 23 months! Is it a coincidence that Vick’s sentence length is the same number as another black sports legend and notorious gambler named Michael — a one Mr. Michael Jeffrey Jordan?

Of course it isn’t. It’s as much of a coincidence as Don Imus returning to the air waves on December 3rd, the same day in history that blacks first sat on a jury, that Frederick Douglas published the first edition the North Star, and that Alka Seltzer hit the market.

I’ll tell you what length Vick’s sentence could never be — 4. And that’s not just because the minimum sentence for this crime is 12 months. It’s because 4 is the numerical representation of golden boy/dolphin murderer Brett Favre. But don’t take my word for it. Listen to the facts:

Did anyone ever stop and think what the hell Santa means when he says, “ho, ho, ho.” I never thought about it, and I think about tons of crazy things. (For instance, does the universe loop back around at the end or is it like hitting a wall?)

Like most, I’ve operated under the assumption that 75% of what mascots, mythical beasties and fairy tale characters say is utterly nonsensical. Let’s consider some examples:

• Santa – “Ho, ho, ho”
• Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk — “Fifiefofum”
• Budweiser Frogs — “Whazzzzzaaaaaaaa”
• Easter Bunny — suspicious silence

On second thought, Australia banning Santas from saying “ho” makes mathematical sense as probability tells us one of these four beloved mascots really means his jive.

One thing is certain; a black man dressed up like Santa is one of the saddest sights around. If I was a little white girl in an orchid-toned babydoll dress (with ruffled sleeves), I’d cry too.

Photo by doobybrain via Flickr.