Words aren’t like daggers, they are daggers — sharp, sleek extra-stabby musket daggers that slit our collective throats, pump lead into our hearts, gut our bellies, then shoot the innards with more bullets.

If you follow this blog, you’ll remember that I definitively ended all shock jock racism when I drew the line of indecency: Y=mx+b where the slope was a pejorative spoken in adjective form (i.e. thick-lipped, diabetic-prone) and the coefficient “b” was noun slurs (Aunt Jemima, Count Chocula).

I know what you’re going to say. Banning one or two offensive words is a stopgap solution which discounts nuance, context or slang that I may have never even heard of (words such as skankostank, bucketbottom or beelzeboobs), while ignoring the larger picture issue of the base values being promoted and idolized within the black community.

But instead of focusing on those values, I’ve developed a mathematical system to censor out all the filth. Considering the complexity and innuendos present in modern rap music, it’s clear that drawing a simple line will not work. For this, we’ll need a parabolic curve (Y= ax squared).

Let’s look at some examples. For obvious offensive lyrics, just add up all the words that offend in the stanza to get the slope.

Like this Ludacris line from “Bitch, Get out the way”
Move bitch, get out the way, bitch get out the way. (3 — Two for the “b” word and one for the impolite way the lady was asked to change her course of direction.)

Associated Press

Still mad? What’s there to be mad about? All the Republican candidates showed up to the NAACP debates like good little Republican candidates (with their cute clefted chins and fiscal conservatism). Why would I still be talking about this story two weeks after the fact? I’m not sure why the Guardian reporters are saying only Tom Tancredo showed up for the debates when I have the complete transcript right here that proves all the candidates participated. (I stood in as moderator):

Question #1: “What is the single greatest challenge facing the African American community today and how would you remedy it?”

Thompson: “Poverty. Sharecropping.”
Romney: “Diabetes. Jello.”
Giuliani: “There are a lot of African Americans in New York. I know four of them.”
Paul: “Literacy and education. Remedy? Do you mean secure?”
McCain: “This question reminds me that I hate blacks. Oh my God, I hate them so much.”

Question #2: “Name one black person you look up to.”

Associated Press

People keep asking me if I care that CBS hasn’t ruled out hiring back Imus, as if I’m going to be outraged and say something quotable — something like: “I’d rather spend a long, intimate night heavy petting with a Scissorhands Imus before seeing regular-digitated Imus reinstated.”

But I didn’t say the above comment or 128 other outraged metaphors that I have on Rolodex, because this is is not the Al Sharpton way. Al Sharpton plays psychological games with his targets. After he abuses them, he tells them he loves them. He buys them an ice cream (with sprinkles). He plays skip the rope (no Double Dutch) with the very ego he fractured.

You may have read the following quote: “We had never asked him never to work again.”

You might be interested to know that the contrapositive is also true: We keep asking him to work forever. In fact, I’m looking to find him a job with more security – perhaps something with tenure. (Law enforcement and cowboy hat wearing seem to go hand and hand.)

Associated Press

Tom Tancredo!? What stars in this majestic (frighteningly expansive) galaxy have aligned to cause me to be wasting type on terrible Tom “I-hate-Hispanics-more-than-Nazi hobo clowns” Tancredo? Sometimes I think God really might be Jim Carrey–sitting up there in a jeweled throne with asparagus in his teeth–making jokes and silly faces at our expense.

I don’t care if Imus gets his 40 million dollars or not. I don’t. It doesn’t matter to me one bit.