As long as we're at it, can I please have a turn to deny A-Rod romantic liaisons too?

I have been an American citizen since 2005 -- I have as much right not to get involved with Alex Rodriguez as Madonna, who does not even have the best-selling debut album worldwide in music history ever, like me.

Madonna thinks just because she's some kind of Kabbalah-Queen that she's got a lock on A-Rod. Well, think again, girlie. I'm an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. When it comes to weird personal religious affiliations, I've got you beat hands down.

I'm sixteen years younger than Madonna, so it's almost like A-Rod and I are a junior and senior in high school, and Madonna's the principal. She may be worth more than I am, but I'm already writing my memoirs, while she's still futzing around with children's books. Hmm--sex books, then children's books--I guess that's a smooth segue.

Anyway, my memoirs will be full of self-deprecating humor, because I have so much really cool stuff to be self-deprecating about. So that's another area where I'm better than Madonna.