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This Attorney General certainly loves scandal. Controversy over wire tapping, the dismissal of US attorneys, the right to habeas corpus and fierce opposition from the Senate; perhaps Gonzales would be better off if he just stayed at home and watched daytime soaps for all his drama needs.

Quick Facts

United States Attorney General (2005-present)
Member of Texas Supreme Court (1999-2000)
Secretary of State for Texas (1997-1999)
Private practice attorney (1982-1994)

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Torture-Light is not Torture

By Alberto Gonzales

Associated Press

As you may have read in the New York Times today, I wrote an opinion letter for the President in 2005 endorsing the use of so-called “severe” techniques of interrogation, while simultaneously publicly condemning the use of torture. Brilliant, huh? Al Qaeda never saw that coming!

Anyways, the liberal losers at the Times have characterized these severe techniques as torture. But as I’m sure you agree, that’s ridiculous. These techniques are nothing more than some tough tickling. I call it “Torture-Light”. And frankly, no one has ever proven that Torture-Light doesn’t work. And furthermore, nowhere in the Constitution does it specifically ban Torture-Light! So to condone Torture-Light while condemning Torture is just good lawyering.

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10/4/2007 2:52 PM, Washington DC

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My work here is done

By Alberto Gonzales

Bio & Blog

Associated Press

This weekend I privately submitted my resignation to President Bush. Reluctantly, he accepted it. I told him, that at this time, it was probably best for the American people to have someone else listening to their calls and going through their mail. Having accomplished just about everything I could have dreamed of as the Attorney General, I decided that it time to move on to greener pastures. What a track record though!

Stripped FISA of cumbersome civil rights red tape … check!
Served ice-cold refreshing beverages on balmy DC afternoons to parched politicians … check!
Implemented a more holistic employment review process for US Attorneys … check!

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8/27/2007 3:57 PM, Washington DC

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More power? Aw shucks, you shouldn’t have!

By Alberto Gonzales

Bio & Blog

Associated Press

You know what the definition of real power is? It’s showing absolute contempt to Congress, lying to them, misleading them, telling underlings to not even show up when subpoenaed by them and generally not respecting any of their laws, only to have them actually bestow more power upon ~~you~~ me! God I love this country! With the simplest of marketing techniques (i.e. scaring their constituents into thinking Al Qaeda is about to bomb their houses), those wussies in Congress only had one option – to let me do even more surveillance.

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8/8/2007 3:00 PM, Washington DC

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You guys get confused so easily

By Alberto Gonzales

Bio & Blog

Associated Press

By now you may have read about my letter to Senator Leahy, in which I admit that my testimony may have been confusing. But if you think the Senators on that panel were confused, you can imagine how confused I, myself, must have been, having almost no memory whatsoever. Actually, to tell you the truth, I’m not even sure what we’re all confused about. Just that we are, in fact, confused, and I’m sorry for it.

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8/2/2007 5:00 PM, Washington DC

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I don't recall committing perjury

By Alberto Gonzales

Bio & Blog

Associated Press

I have to be honest (you trust me, right?): I have no idea what the conversation with John Ashcroft in the hospital was about. I’ve just been making shit up. I vaguely recall a guy named John Ashcroft, but I don’t know what he did, or why I was talking to him. It could have been about the wiretapping program, or it could have been about some other ~~unconstitutional~~ secret national security program. We could have been talking about his kids. Or baseball. I might have been one of his nurses, doing a routine check of his vital signs and changing his bedpan. The point is I just can’t recall.

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7/27/2007 2:00 PM, Washington DC

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My secret contempt program

By Alberto Gonzales

Bio & Blog

Associated Press

It’s comical actually. The way Congress attempts to get me to discuss double-secret-classified programs in a public hearing. Not even the “Gang of 8” knows about these programs, and yet Congress thinks they can just pester me until I spill the beans. In fact, besides my Godfather (President Bush) the only person I could ever tell about these alleged secret activities was John Ashcroft, and that was only when he was heavily sedated. Ironic, isn’t it??!!

I have to admit, watching Senator Specter get all flustered at my word twists, half answers and constant recusing of myself, is really quite enjoyable. And what can he do about it? Not a damn thing. I’m the Attorney General for God’s sake!