I have to be honest (you trust me, right?): I have no idea what the conversation with John Ashcroft in the hospital was about. I’ve just been making shit up. I vaguely recall a guy named John Ashcroft, but I don’t know what he did, or why I was talking to him. It could have been about the wiretapping program, or it could have been about some other
unconstitutional secret national security program. We could have been talking about his kids. Or baseball. I might have been one of his nurses, doing a routine check of his vital signs and changing his bedpan. The point is I just can’t recall.
So I don’t think it’s fair for the Democrats to investigate me for perjury because you have to intentionally lie to commit perjury. They say my statements in hearings this Tuesday conflict with statements I made earlier, but I don’t even remember attending the hearing this Tuesday, much less what I said about the hospital visit. As far as I know, I wasn’t even at the hearing on Tuesday. I could have been anywhere. I could have been at a rodeo riding a wild bucking bronco for a record-breaking 32 seconds. I could have been at the Nationals game playing third base for an injured Ryan Zimmerman. I could have been in a hospital pressuring a sedated John Ashcroft to renew a secret
highly illegal wiretapping program. There’s no way to know.
The truth is when people ask me about stuff, like secret programs and conversations, I just make up a new story every time. If people realized how little I’m able to remember, they wouldn’t want me to be Attorney General anymore. I wouldn’t want that.