Associated Press

This weekend I privately submitted my resignation to President Bush. Reluctantly, he accepted it. I told him, that at this time, it was probably best for the American people to have someone else listening to their calls and going through their mail. Having accomplished just about everything I could have dreamed of as the Attorney General, I decided that it time to move on to greener pastures. What a track record though!

• Stripped FISA of cumbersome civil rights red tape … check!
• Served ice-cold refreshing beverages on balmy DC afternoons to parched politicians … check!
• Implemented a more holistic employment review process for US Attorneys … check!
• Hired lots of graduates from Pat Robertson’s law school … check!
• Protected Bush, Cheney, Rove and the other national heroes … check!

What’s next for me you ask? Time will tell, but I’m not worried. I posted my resume on Craigslist, and will surely have lots more exciting opportunities to choose from. Anyone out there hiring?