It is time to break my silence on the whole "A-Rod was seen leaving Madonna's apartment building in his shower sandals" crap.

So what--I wear shower sandals wherever I go. They're comfortable, they go with anything, and they help prevent athlete's foot. World-class athletes like me get world-class athlete's foot that nerdy guys tapping at their laptops can only dream about.

Now all of your gossip has caused my wife to file for divorce. Which really hurts. I haven't felt this bad since Jason Giambi called me the Eddie Haskell of the Yankees' clubhouse. That was cold, man. I was born a suck-up, okay? I can't help it.

What hurts most of all is people saying I've got a thing for Madonna. I mean, c'mon--she's seventeen years older than me. The Kabbalah is powerful stuff, but it can't make clocks run backwards. I'm not cougar-bait.

Not convinced? Just ask Scott Yelin, the Yankees' Massage Therapist. He's the guy who keeps my body on track to break Barry Bonds' career home run record using nothing but Ben-Gay and patchouli oil. He's warned me -- stay away from loose women with pointy boobs. The risk of career-ending injury during a wild night of Truth or Dare is too great. If I were to be impaled by Madge's ice cream cone bra, it would mean nothing but seeing-eye singles for the rest of my career.