You know, with the richest contract in baseball history, some people think I've got it made. Let me tell you, $27.5 million a year doesn't go as far as it used to.
I've cut back on a lot of things. Tipping clubhouse boys at out-of-town ballparks is one area where I think I can save money this season, especially at National League stadiums during interleague play. I see those guys maybe once every five years--if they're lucky.
Another cost-saving measure I picked up in this month's Penny Saver magazine, which I stole from my dentist's office--QVC! You can get some great buys on serious bling for yourself and your lady friends, just hanging around the house using the patented "Tootie" feature. Madonna likes those crystal thingies--not sure what good they do her. She's homely as a horse, but her body gives me a workout better than the Yankee masseuse.
Deposit bottles are a great secondary source of income. Lots of guys forget they're worth five cents in most states, and ten cents in Michigan! I learned a cool trick you can play called "arbitrage". I save my Diet Pepsi cans, then when we play the Detroit Tigers on the road, I bring along a big Hefty bag full of them, and get twice as much as I would in New York.
Finally, and most importantly, is your health. Yes, I tested positive for steroids in 2003. It's not something I'm proud of. Why not?
I paid full price for those bad boys! Last night I got an email saying I can save big money buying my meds from a Canadian pharmacy over the internet!
Also, Russian women want to date me!