Associated Press

Randy:
Aight, listen up. There’s been lot of talk about the 2008 Presidential Election. Who better to explain the complexities of democracy than American Idol? We gave you Carrie Underwood (John F. Kennedy) AND Taylor Hicks (George W. Bush). We’re actually BETTER at elections than America, man! We get more than twice the number of votes a presidential election gets! Of course, in our elections any dawg with a cellphone could vote 10,000 times for Clay Aiken. You don’t have to be 18 either, or even white.

Associated Press

Randy:
Aight dawgs. Listen up. Rosie O’Donnell wrote a poem about Paula on her blog. Here’s an excerpt:

right now
paula abdul would yell action
and the result would be
what we all see
…
the black hole
satan vortex
gains and drains
eventually
…
hey paula
we cringe
at r selves
thru u

So we decided to write our own poems about Rosie O’Donnell. Mine is a Haiku!

From bengal*foam via flickr

Randy:
Turns out LFO was ahead of their time, Chinese food makes people sick:

Randy:
So we have to say one thing mean and one thing nice about the judge to our left, like the candidates had to last night? Aight. Paula is a drunk pill popper who uses emoticons in everyday speech. But the good thing about her is … she … the more time she spends on American Idol, the less time she has to drink and drive.

Paula:
Oh Randy! You make me smiley face! You really do! And I don’t know why John Edwards thought that Hillary’s top was so ugly. No, really. I don’t. I can’t see straight. What color is that?

Anyway! Simon wears very nice shirts. But he’s also a nasty old Brit who makes angels cry. Sad face! Sad face with TEAR!

Simon:
Much like Kucinich, I have no one to my left to criticize. Whose idea was that? Was it Seacrest’s? Well, I imagine that the debate was followed by Obama ripping off Hillary’s jacket while she to Edwards for style tips

Randy:
Yo, dawgs. Aight. Listen up. This is just another reason why Filipino jails are way better than American ones. In an American jail, no one would care if you could moonwalk like a pro. Actually, dudes, I wouldn’t recommend moonwalking in an American jail. No good would come of that (and certainly nothing that could be shown on YouTube).

Paula:
You all look great in orange! That’s lucky, isn’t it? Now, you all had a special shiny aura around you, but my favorite was in the back section in the second row, third from the front. That’s right– You! The Filipino one in the prison uniform! With the dark hair! You’re going places! You should TOTALLY try out for Idol. If you speak English. And if you ever get out of jail.

Randy:
Aight dawgs, listen up. It looks like MTV’s American Idol expert Jim Cantiello doesn’t like Paula’s new show.

Associated Press

Randy:
Listen up, dawgs. The Democrats are gonna have an all-night debate on the war. They’re going stay in the capital building all-night; they’ve rolled out cots to sleep on and everything. The Republicans don’t think it’s going to work—but I say that they just wish they had thought of it first! Maybe if all the Republican senators had sold their houses and slept on the floor of the senate, voters wouldn’t have voted so many of them out of office last November. No one wants a bunch of homeless politicians wandering around, man!

Associated Press

Randy:
Yo, have y’all heard about W. Bush keeping Scooter Libby out of prison? I know he’s just helpin’ out one of his dawgs, dude. But it’s not alright, aight? If this administration was a song … that song would be pitchey, off-key and stink of nepotism. Something by Mariah Carey, maybe.

Paula:
Hey guys! Guess what I just learned about? Emoticons! They are super cool! Why did anyone ever tell me about them? Look at this!

Associated Press

From USA Today (6/28/07):

The mummy of an obese woman, who likely suffered from diabetes and liver cancer, has been identified as that of Queen Hatshepsut, Egypt’s most powerful female pharaoh, Egyptian archaeologists said Wednesday.

Randy:
Listen up, that mummy isn’t obese!