Did you guys see this headline:

Winehouse Drama Shadows Grammys

It’s like I’m a giant, and I’m about to tramp on a busy metropolis. Then the camera focuses in on one tiny guy (though he’s actually normal size to the other humans), who is eating a frank. All of sudden the sky goes dark on what had been a sunny day. He looks up and realizes my shadow has engulfed the city, and he drops his weenie and gets mustard on his dress shirt, doesn’t he?

The coppers won’t let me into the States because of some business about a credit card. That’s kind of like when they nailed that gangster for taxes. There are a million and a half reasons not to let me in. Here are four:

1. Drugs I will have in my possession. Cocaine (both in powder and rock form), Special K, bull semen, st john’s wort, st john’s meth. Not to mention condoms full of heroine in my tumtum.

Associated Press

Hello everybody. As you know from reading the newspapers on the internets, I finally got to rehab on account of someone making a video of me smoking crack. I know you is all wondering how is I doing in here.

Well, I don’t know if you know this or not, but they don’t let you have drugs in rehab, and also they don’t have no drug dealers at all. I think probably they is lying to me and after a few days, they’s going to tell me where I can get some drugs from in here, and then rehab will be a lot more fun. I think it’s like that show that was on in America where they play a prank on the celebrity, like stealing they fancy car, and then that guy from that show pops out and says, “Gotcha” and everybody laffs!

Presidential Debates sound boring like not drugs, but really they’se more like bar fights. Except you aren’t too busy applying lipstick to make a puppet out of your hand to notice the cops took away your Blakey-boo.

MODERATOR: Let’s start with a quick question. What should be the nation’s number one priority?

CLINTON: Education.

OBAMA: Health care.

WINEHOUSE: Penguins.

MODERATOR: Penguins?

WINEHOUSE: Yes, because they’s little and cute, isn’t they? And they has to wear tuxedos so they gets angry and turns into terrorists, isn’t it?

OBAMA: Actually, the exaggerated threat of terrorism home and abroad leads us to—

WINEHOUSE: I got this poster of Patrick Swayze, don’t I? And he stares at me.