News Groper's celebrity bloggers are on indefinite strike. While we negotiate (indefinitely), check out Easy LOL to follow comedians on Twitter.

Amy Winehouse’s Blog

Amy rose to fame because of her unique voice, beehive hair and ability to do drugs in her bra. The song "No Rehab" propelled Winehouse to super-stardom, but then lost much of it's contrarian firepower after she checked into rehab in January. Contrary to popular belief, she does not have a bet with Britney over who will die first. How would the loser pay up?

Have a piss-up Pesach

By Amy Winehouse

Right, so they truck me off to me weekly at the Cuckoo's Nest. Everybody's happy I blew off the Bahamas. Less "access to substances" if I stay here.

One of them sawbones sez to me, "On behalf of the doctors and staff, may I wish you"—takes out a scrap of paper—"a happy pissack."

I look at him like he's a twat. He goes, "Pissack. Am I pronouncing that correctly?"

No clue what the fuck he's gobbing about. He starts to sweat, probably worried I'll ram me nail file in his guts again. He stammers, "Passover. A good Passover."

4/16/2008 10:56 AM, London
login or register to post comments

I would never corrupt a pure girl whose father is effing psycho

By Amy Winehouse

Bio & Blog

Dear Pixie Geldof,

We gotta have an h-to-h. Is your dad there? Is he reading this? All right then, Bob? How's your amigos over in Africa? That Live-8 thing was brilliant. Listen, I want to talk to your littl'un here. Apologize, like. Impart lessons no one imparted on me at her age. I need to explain my actions so she don't follow in my footsteps. And Bob, mum used to read over me shoulder and it made me want to take me first drink, so I'm serious, get out the room. If you give a toss about your daughter.

That's it, go on. There's starving people need you.

4/16/2008 10:30 AM, LDN
login or register to post comments

When I win, I'm going to smoke something out of the Grammy tube

By Amy Winehouse

Bio & Blog

Did you guys see this headline:

Winehouse Drama Shadows Grammys

It’s like I’m a giant, and I’m about to tramp on a busy metropolis. Then the camera focuses in on one tiny guy (though he’s actually normal size to the other humans), who is eating a frank. All of sudden the sky goes dark on what had been a sunny day. He looks up and realizes my shadow has engulfed the city, and he drops his weenie and gets mustard on his dress shirt, doesn’t he?


The coppers won’t let me into the States because of some business about a credit card. That’s kind of like when they nailed that gangster for taxes. There are a million and a half reasons not to let me in. Here are four:

  1. Drugs I will have in my possession. Cocaine (both in powder and rock form), Special K, bull semen, st john’s wort, st john’s meth. Not to mention condoms full of heroine in my tumtum.
2/8/2008 9:11 PM, London
1 comment

Does this make me no rehab song ironic?

By Amy Winehouse

Bio & Blog

Associated Press

Hello everybody. As you know from reading the newspapers on the internets, I finally got to rehab on account of someone making a video of me smoking crack. I know you is all wondering how is I doing in here.

Well, I don’t know if you know this or not, but they don’t let you have drugs in rehab, and also they don’t have no drug dealers at all. I think probably they is lying to me and after a few days, they’s going to tell me where I can get some drugs from in here, and then rehab will be a lot more fun. I think it’s like that show that was on in America where they play a prank on the celebrity, like stealing they fancy car, and then that guy from that show pops out and says, “Gotcha” and everybody laffs!

1/29/2008 4:30 PM, rehab
login or register to post comments

I debated Barack and Unicorn lady

By Amy Winehouse

Bio & Blog


Presidential Debates sound boring like not drugs, but really they’se more like bar fights. Except you aren’t too busy applying lipstick to make a puppet out of your hand to notice the cops took away your Blakey-boo.

MODERATOR: Let’s start with a quick question. What should be the nation’s number one priority?

CLINTON: Education.

OBAMA: Health care.

WINEHOUSE: Penguins.

MODERATOR: Penguins?

WINEHOUSE: Yes, because they’s little and cute, isn’t they? And they has to wear tuxedos so they gets angry and turns into terrorists, isn’t it?

OBAMA: Actually, the exaggerated threat of terrorism home and abroad leads us to—

WINEHOUSE: I got this poster of Patrick Swayze, don’t I? And he stares at me.

1/24/2008 8:49 PM, New York

Amy Winehouse Email Alerts

feed This Blogger's RSS Feed

News Groper Weekly Email

Get the very best & funniest of News Groper in our weekly email newsletter.