Angelina Jolie’s Blog

Starlet/media darling/she-goddess, Angelina Jolie, began her career in goodwill ambassadorship for the UN as an actress in Hollywood. Despite generating more scandal off-screen than her sultry characters often do on-screen - from multiple divorces and public interest in sadomasochism, to questionably incestuous comments about her brother and ambiguous extra-marital dealings with one-time co-star and current partner Brad Pitt - Jolie has staved off public contempt through her global efforts to adopt adorable orphans. She also has nice lips.

My gynecologist, my hero

By Angelina Jolie

There are so many people who’ve come to my hospital in France to find out what’s going on with me--and they keep yelling ‘How is she!?’ and ‘What’s happening!?’. I arranged for my doctor to hold a news conference to let everyone know exactly what’s going on here. I’m including his transcript, so that you too can have the update that is your right.

Michel Sussman, MD: "When a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much, they decide to make a baby and bring it into the world. They hire a babysitter to look after their other children, if they already have any, and they wash themselves and dress up in clean clothes and go out to dinner. Then a strange and wonderful thing happens; the Mommy’s tummy gets big like a marvelous beach-ball! This is because there is a baby inside—sometimes, if the Mommy and Daddy are very lucky, there are two babies waiting inside.

Seth Rogan tells me talking animals indicate hilarity

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

Is it so hard to believe that I took on some less heavy roles because my mom died?  Listen, Vanity Fair, we all have our own ways of mourning.  So I chose to grieve my mother by lending my Academy Award-winning voice to a cartoon animal in Kung Fu Panda.  Deal with it.

But I will admit that there was another important factor in my decision to act in the film. It was a unique opportunity to work alongside an actor who I've been longing to collaborate with in order to fulfill that bit of Hollywood wisdom about how to maintain A-list status: be hot and do a movie with Seth Rogen.

It worked for Katherine Heigl in that awful expose about young people expelling white babies from their bodies (Blech!)  Kids these days, right?  But Heigl had the right idea with Knocked Up.  You know you spent hours chatting about how she's really attractive while the guy who plays her love interest in the movie is gross.  (Yes, you, Vanity Fair!)  Well, I can play that game too.

Are you there, Mary Poppins? It's me, Angelina

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

I’m giving birth soon, and we're looking for another nanny to help us out. Does this description fit you? If it does--contact us! We're looking for some who is:

1.) Light-hearted and Fun-Loving.

My kids love each other, but that doesn’t stop them from trying to beat the asian/black/aryan robot out of each other. I want you to be an easy-going mediator, comforting Shiloh when she cries out of a vague sense of shame from being called ‘pucka-lipped cracka’ by Maddox, or discouraging Zahara from calling Pax 'sensei'.

2.) A victim of genocide. Bodily scars a plus.

My kids are privileged, but I don’t want them to forget that suffering exists. And don’t you think that you deserve something good, after what happened?

5/5/2008 8:47 AM, Southern France
4 comments

What country should I tattoo on my left boob?

4/22/2008 4:48 PM, Hollywood, CA
5 comments

Barely legal pictures of me? Prediction, you will read this post

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

What is this—reality or the director’s cut of the Crucible? Last time I checked I was living in various mansions spread across luxurious international locations, not a thatch-roofed hut in a 17th century Salem. But where else could I be if a squeaky-clean photoshoot of me is being called a sex scandal?

You know what media outlets, you’re losers, but you have to feed your pets and occasional blind dates--so I’ll let you in on a real scandal.

Everyone--even the editors of this blog—think that Jon Voigt is my father. It’s true that my dad is a blond-haired, blue-eyed superstar---but he isn’t crazy old Jon Voigt. Thanks to the work of a couple of genealogists, now you’ll all know the truth.  They say that she’s my cousin, but that’s only because she got to them first and bribed them to keep the filthy truth off of her pantsuit. Hillary Clinton is my father!

Iraq is my babydaddy

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

iraq.jpgBehold my womb, quick with life! Yes, world, the rumors are true–I’m pregnant. What the hell, full disclosure: Iraq is the father.

What, Iraq is just a series of frontiers, a geopolitical abstraction? Try telling that to my uterus. I went to Iraq a few weeks ago and already I’m rounding the corner of my first trimester. It was that good.

It all started when Iraq sent me a museum-opening-advertisement-cum-postcard (an ‘Iraqi text’) that had two words on it: “Let me.” My interest was piqued but not duly so. Over the next few days I received more—now more to the point, and in rhyme:

And you wonder why this year's Oscars seem as dull as an Aniston rom-com

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

jolie-in-mighty-heart.jpg

There will be a notable absence on Sunday night in the best female category. I wasn’t nominated for A Mighty Heart, a film in which I portrayed a Cajun lady whose husband was killed on YouTube. Everyone thought I would be nominated, but the Academy snubbed me.

Enraged fans, breathe deeply. This snub means nothing to me. Do I look like I care? Let me put it this way: Do I look like a leather-faced crack head wearing rags caked in human waste that is not my own?

If you answered yes, perhaps you’re delusional and facing a mirror in a public restroom. Forgive this admission of my own coolness, but—I make the king of cool James Dean look like Danny Tanner on stilts made of inflated condoms.

The homeless and besieged know that a boxed lunch is what's up

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

I’m proud of what I did this past Christmas day. How many of you can say the same?

I know, I know, Christmas is all about getting abortions, euthanizing old pets, and re-fashioning chocolate wrappers to appear as though they are not empty and then delighting in your family’s disappointment as they discover them — but this year I decided to do something special. I drove to McDonald’s in a minivan with Brad and the kids in Louisiana and picked up some of those cool kid meals.

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Photo by Breakmold via Flickr

What are those meals called again? Brad seemed to think that they were called ‘Tra-la-la and I don’t give a darns’, but that didn’t ring true. I tried to order four Gleeful Plebian Repasts — which fell on deaf ears. Brad then suggested that we act out the meal for the drive-through speakers to illustrate our point.

It creeps, and leaps, and glides and slides across the floor!

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

That’s the blob, or my bloodbaby Shiloh.

blobby.jpgThe strangest things have been inside of me (i.e. non-toxic sex toys made from naturally-felled wood, Billybob), but no one’s vulva ever shook hands with a power-wielding mass of sheer white privilege like mine has, and that’s a fact.

My flesh-and-blood-baby, Shiloh, is the world’s most influential infant. And a blob.

I hate Shiloh, and I told a bunch of reporters as much a couple days ago. I know I front like I’m all perfect-robot-lady, but who doesn’t tell multiple media outlets at one time or another that they despise one of their children? Oh, she’s cute all right—but she’s so fucking white about it. I gave birth to the most cracker-ass baby that ever dragged its privileged infant body against the face of the—-

I got my AIDS baby fair and square. Can you say the same?

By Angelina Jolie

Bio & Blog

zahara.jpg
Associated Press

When I adopted my daughter Zahara I made it damn clear to the agency that I wanted a baby with no strings attached. A couple weeks ago I heard that Zahara’s birth mother was alive and wanted her back!

If only my babies matched the specific qualifications that I gave to the agencies, messes like this wouldn’t occur. Here’s what I tell the agency when I want a new baby:

1) Baby must fall between Burnt Sienna—Adirondack Brown on the Benjamin Moore color scale, or it will not find succor at my breast.

2) Baby must come from a land where ice is not readily available for consumption with drinks.

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