I’m giving birth soon, and we're looking for another nanny to help us out. Does this description fit you? If it does--contact us! We're looking for some who is:

1.) Light-hearted and Fun-Loving.

My kids love each other, but that doesn’t stop them from trying to beat the asian/black/aryan robot out of each other. I want you to be an easy-going mediator, comforting Shiloh when she cries out of a vague sense of shame from being called ‘pucka-lipped cracka’ by Maddox, or discouraging Zahara from calling Pax 'sensei'.

2.) A victim of genocide. Bodily scars a plus.

My kids are privileged, but I don’t want them to forget that suffering exists. And don’t you think that you deserve something good, after what happened?

3.) Able to maintain focus while hearing primal screams emanating from distant chambers.

I may be pregnant, but I’m still very horny. Compound that with the fact that we’ll be living in a French chateau literally jam-packed with sensual alcoves and  secret passageways, and you have to understand that I’ll be having sex quite often and screaming with pleasure while so doing, perhaps while you’re in the kitchen distributing string cheese. You’ll need to be able to handle that.

 4.) Not Richard Gere disguised in a burka.

We’ve received your application and it’s being processed. Thanks for your interest.

Photo credit: Associated Press