There are so many people who’ve come to my hospital in France to find out what’s going on with me--and they keep yelling ‘How is she!?’ and ‘What’s happening!?’. I arranged for my doctor to hold a news conference to let everyone know exactly what’s going on here. I’m including his transcript, so that you too can have the update that is your right.

Michel Sussman, MD: "When a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much, they decide to make a baby and bring it into the world. They hire a babysitter to look after their other children, if they already have any, and they wash themselves and dress up in clean clothes and go out to dinner. Then a strange and wonderful thing happens; the Mommy’s tummy gets big like a marvelous beach-ball! This is because there is a baby inside—sometimes, if the Mommy and Daddy are very lucky, there are two babies waiting inside.

And if the Mommy and Daddy are very famous, then there are hoards of rabid paparazzi and obsessed lunatics waiting outside of the maternity ward thirsting for Mommy’s placenta. Do these weird and crazy people come from Mommies and Daddies too? No, they don’t. They were born alone in fields of mud, crying, and that’s how they’re going to die. Questions?"

(Photo credit: Associated Press)