Brad and I sold photos of our newborn twins for 14 million, and so far we’ve told people that we’re going to donate the money to an AIDS charity.  Well, after considering a number of likely AIDS relief organizations, we decided to just cut out the middleman and buy AIDS outright.

‘We can keep them in the garage, next to my boogie boards,’ Brad suggested this morning, over coffee and placenta. ‘That way, they won’t claim the lives of innocents AND they might just keep my hands off of those fabulous foam pleasure boards for more than five minutes!’

While I do believe that Brad needs to cut back on boogying, I don’t think that it’s worth it for him to risk exposure to full-blown AIDS. So I’ve decided that we’ll just keep all those pesky AIDS in the black hole adjacent to the gravity-free lava splatter room -- the smaller one across the hall from the pure oxygen tank/fuck-swing cave. (You just can’t take this guy to the Sharper Image—he comes back with the store! Ladies, you know what I’m talking about!)