Bloomberg decided not to run today. He made his decision because Obama and McCain are running on bipartisan centrist platforms, which would have made it hard for him to stand out — and also because he couldn’t stop being so Jewish.
I’m told he even tried a special anti-Jewish soap — which is similar to that lice shampoo that smells like tar — but it couldn’t make him grow 5 inches or quit controlling the media.
William F. Buckley, Jr., the architect of the modern American conservative movement, is dead today at the age of 82. There’s not much I can say; my capacity for emotion is small enough to be overwhelmed by this. Instead, a video tribute:
Sorry, I couldn’t find a clip of the song on Youtube that didn’t have pictures of Princess Diana. Just close your eyes and imagine Buckley punching Gore Vidal is his queer face or something.
Please let me explain myself. This clip was taken out of context. After it ends, I went on to say if it comes to me endorsing Hillary, I will also convert to Judaism, forfeit custody of my pet gerbil Squiggles to John Edwards, then have mind-blowing sex with Keith Olbermann.
Keith will cover me in oils while whispering things like, “immediate withdraw from Iraq”, “more social programs”, and “you feel so good inside of me.”
I’ve made a terrible mistake. All this time I’ve been assailing Hillary Clinton, using the most dire rhetoric and scare tactics — simply because she owns a vagina. A white vagina.
And now this. The fabric of the nation is only inches from being ravaged by this African American, whose wily-smiley ways tempted and lured good Iowans away from their better judgment. Was it his smooth ways that confused us? His smile? This?
Because it’s so different from this?
Barack Obama is consistenly pro-choice. What will this mean for our women, whose bodies’ purity he will seek to defile with laws and mandates? Will they be led morally astray?
A seed was planted in Iowa, and the good people of New Hampshire must cut down the stalk. These are frightening times.
I stopped messing with that do-gooder Santa Claus when I was 5. It was 1966, and I wrote a letter to Santa wishing for the elimination of poor people. I thought I had been clear in my letter, that I meant the elimination of the poor people themselves, the dead weight. More stuff for us, less running around for him — a real win-win, I thought. Lo and behold, before I knew it, everyone in the nation was talking about poverty, Dr. King with his War on Poverty and Johnson’s Great Society.
The college campuses were buzzing with Marxist ideas, and groups like the Black Panthers were pursuing economic equity for inner-city blacks. What had I done?!
Don’t let the NIE report fool you; the Islamic enemy is as determined as ever to destroy our way of life. And our babies. This new al-Qaeda training video shows just that; kittens trained to attack unsuspecting babies. If these kittens are taught how to grasp tiny daggers in their paws, our babies are as good as dead:
Ah, now this is an election! I no longer have to envy the Pakistanis. We’re back to good old-fashioned, smash-mouth politics. The proud tradition of John Wilkes Booth lives on, even in this age of p.c. pussy-footing and Kumbaya cultural relativism.
It’s like I always say, you can’t make a Freedom omelet without breaking a few democratic tenets. It’s pretty clear to anyone with a brain that Hillary Clinton is a Communist, and Communists can only be viably vanquished with bombs. Sort of like how witches have to be burned, vampires impaled, and right-wing agitprop columnists ignored. Listen, I don’t make the rules.
An Arkansas mayor has revealed that he was brainwashed by Satan in the 70s. He recalled the incident after 5 years of electro-shock therapy and a recent injection of a ‘truth serum’ (Arkansas-speak for moonshine and cough syrup).
Democracy’s hard work. Too hard, really. Hence, I began my latest column:
If Republicans end up with a divided convention between Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani, I say we pick Gen. Pervez Musharraf…[Musharraf is] George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison all rolled into one.
I went on in the following paragraphs to extol the virtues of Mr. Musharraf and expose that bitch Benazir Bhutto, so I didn’t have time to list the rest of my nominees. After “electing” Musharraf we might consider:
I can’t say I’m entirely surprised that CNN refused my request to host the Democratic debate in Las Vegas. The network knows perfectly well that I’m the only one with the spine to ask those pressing questions burning in the heart of every American. I would have the guts to ask Barack Obama why he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s Bin Laden’s nephew and that they still gossip on iChat. I’d ask him if he’s ready to knock off that whole ‘black thing’ cause it stopped being cute, like, years ago.
If I were mediating the debate, John Edwards would have no choice but to own up to that dominating air of fagotry, starting with the haircut, and then explain to me why his wife won’t hurry up and die already.
And since Hitlery Clinton seems to be the frontrunner, I’d save the toughest questions for her. I like to see her try and explain away the many malignant liberal scourges afflicting our country, like: socialized health care, gay marriage, Susan Sarandon, the rapid decline of school prayer and Soul Plane. I’d ask if it’s appropriate for the leader of the free world to be menopausal, what it’s like to be married to the Devil, the stuff that really matters.
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