Bloomberg decided not to run today. He made his decision because Obama and McCain are running on bipartisan centrist platforms, which would have made it hard for him to stand out — and also because he couldn’t stop being so Jewish.

I’m told he even tried a special anti-Jewish soap — which is similar to that lice shampoo that smells like tar — but it couldn’t make him grow 5 inches or quit controlling the media.

William F. Buckley, Jr., the architect of the modern American conservative movement, is dead today at the age of 82. There’s not much I can say; my capacity for emotion is small enough to be overwhelmed by this. Instead, a video tribute:

Sorry, I couldn’t find a clip of the song on Youtube that didn’t have pictures of Princess Diana. Just close your eyes and imagine Buckley punching Gore Vidal is his queer face or something.

Please let me explain myself. This clip was taken out of context. After it ends, I went on to say if it comes to me endorsing Hillary, I will also convert to Judaism, forfeit custody of my pet gerbil Squiggles to John Edwards, then have mind-blowing sex with Keith Olbermann.

Keith will cover me in oils while whispering things like, “immediate withdraw from Iraq”, “more social programs”, and “you feel so good inside of me.”

I’ve made a terrible mistake. All this time I’ve been assailing Hillary Clinton, using the most dire rhetoric and scare tactics — simply because she owns a vagina. A white vagina.

And now this. The fabric of the nation is only inches from being ravaged by this African American, whose wily-smiley ways tempted and lured good Iowans away from their better judgment. Was it his smooth ways that confused us? His smile? This?

Because it’s so different from this?

Barack Obama is consistenly pro-choice. What will this mean for our women, whose bodies’ purity he will seek to defile with laws and mandates? Will they be led morally astray?

A seed was planted in Iowa, and the good people of New Hampshire must cut down the stalk. These are frightening times.

I stopped messing with that do-gooder Santa Claus when I was 5. It was 1966, and I wrote a letter to Santa wishing for the elimination of poor people. I thought I had been clear in my letter, that I meant the elimination of the poor people themselves, the dead weight. More stuff for us, less running around for him — a real win-win, I thought. Lo and behold, before I knew it, everyone in the nation was talking about poverty, Dr. King with his War on Poverty and Johnson’s Great Society.

The college campuses were buzzing with Marxist ideas, and groups like the Black Panthers were pursuing economic equity for inner-city blacks. What had I done?!

Don’t let the NIE report fool you; the Islamic enemy is as determined as ever to destroy our way of life. And our babies. This new al-Qaeda training video shows just that; kittens trained to attack unsuspecting babies. If these kittens are taught how to grasp tiny daggers in their paws, our babies are as good as dead:

Ah, now this is an election! I no longer have to envy the Pakistanis. We’re back to good old-fashioned, smash-mouth politics. The proud tradition of John Wilkes Booth lives on, even in this age of p.c. pussy-footing and Kumbaya cultural relativism.

It’s like I always say, you can’t make a Freedom omelet without breaking a few democratic tenets. It’s pretty clear to anyone with a brain that Hillary Clinton is a Communist, and Communists can only be viably vanquished with bombs. Sort of like how witches have to be burned, vampires impaled, and right-wing agitprop columnists ignored. Listen, I don’t make the rules.