Democracy’s hard work. Too hard, really. Hence, I began my latest column:

If Republicans end up with a divided convention between Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani, I say we pick Gen. Pervez Musharraf…[Musharraf is] George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison all rolled into one.

I went on in the following paragraphs to extol the virtues of Mr. Musharraf and expose that bitch Benazir Bhutto, so I didn’t have time to list the rest of my nominees. After “electing” Musharraf we might consider:

I can’t say I’m entirely surprised that CNN refused my request to host the Democratic debate in Las Vegas. The network knows perfectly well that I’m the only one with the spine to ask those pressing questions burning in the heart of every American. I would have the guts to ask Barack Obama why he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s Bin Laden’s nephew and that they still gossip on iChat. I’d ask him if he’s ready to knock off that whole ‘black thing’ cause it stopped being cute, like, years ago.

If I were mediating the debate, John Edwards would have no choice but to own up to that dominating air of fagotry, starting with the haircut, and then explain to me why his wife won’t hurry up and die already.

And since Hitlery Clinton seems to be the frontrunner, I’d save the toughest questions for her. I like to see her try and explain away the many malignant liberal scourges afflicting our country, like: socialized health care, gay marriage, Susan Sarandon, the rapid decline of school prayer and Soul Plane. I’d ask if it’s appropriate for the leader of the free world to be menopausal, what it’s like to be married to the Devil, the stuff that really matters.

I’m not sure the bong-toting, hair-dying, bi-curious liberal losers down at Gawker.com’s Washington gossip blog, Wonkette, took a moment between mentally masturbating one another to consider how their attack of the CIA’s totally awesome “Terrorist Buster” logo might promote further acts of terrorism.

The truth is that terrorism is really any act of violence (passive or aggressive) against the American way of life; this is why the logo is so effective, because its saying no to all terrorists … not just the camel-jockeying variety.

The logo is quite obviously a large man, black, with a semitically obvious proboscis nose, curiously slanted asiatic eyes, a suggestively queer grin and is clearly brandishing a Russian-made automatic weapon. I can’t think of a better amalgamation of terrorist-related imagery, and as such, I am glad the logo is so well-designed.

Can a Conservative say anything these days without it being misconstrued? All I said in my interview with Donny Deutsch is that one solution to our problems might be the mass conversion of Jews to the one true Christian faith. But a little Jew island (in addition to Manhattan, one less proximate to the homeland) might also work. Or, for the sake of convenience, we might simply designate parts of American cities for Jewish communities (sort of like we do now with blacks).

During the interview, I asked Mr. Deutsch to go to church with me to hear the word of the one good Jew, Jesus. He declined, so I’d like to sweeten the deal. Renounce your millennia-old faith and I’ll name the non-Jewish state after you: Deutschland.

Thought my new book has been a hit with my fans, I’m a bit disappointed by some of the reviews it’s gotten:

It was like reading Mein Kampf, without the laughs.

Sifting through the ashes of the American empire, a future civilization will find this book, and it will serve as a sort of cultural Rosetta Stone through which our demise will make sense.

I did not finish reading Ms. Coulter’s book. The blood from my newly slit wrists soaked the remaining pages beyond legibility, and when I woke up here two days later, the doctors forbade the book for fear of my “relapsing.”

The title should have been: “If Americans had any brains, they’d put Ann Coulter on a boat.”

Thank goodness Bush aims to

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Associated Press

Oh, Vlad! Why must you be a Russian, and I an American! I feel as that star-crossed Capulet barred by fate and feud from my love. I fall apart — just like your government you dissolved — every time I think about the impossibility of our love.

You know how in movies one guy — usually the bad-ass — squeezes another guy’s hand really hard while they’re shaking hands? And stares at him coldly for the duration of the pain-fest? And how the other guy, the squeezee, always has to smile and maintain normality even though his bones are breaking?

Totally happening here:

Associated Press

“Keep making your silly smile for the cameras, American. But trust this: you have not seen the last of the Russian empire.”

Now, that’s statesmanship the Coulter way! None of that pussyfooting Bush is getting so good at lately — kowtowing to Iran and bending over for the Mexicans, just to begin the list. That I’m through with Bush is a gimme. But am I falling for Putin?