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I thought the French had elected the candidate without a vagina. Apparently, this new guy is as French (read: effeminate and/or gay) as they come. In his first address on foreign matters, new French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy called for a timetable for troop withdrawal from Iraq.

And so I’m reinstating the linguistic embargo on all things “French.” Remember the shame your nation felt when we termed your potatoes “Freedom Fries?” and shoved them into our mouths?

Welcome back to the Terrordome, Sarkozy. The new lexicon for liberty:

Associated Press

It’s been doom and gloom the last few weeks in the the financial markets. People look ready to jump out of windows, what with a weak housing market and tightening credit.

Well, sure, if you own a bunch of fag stocks, this is a bad time. Here’s you, the shitty investor: “Aw, shucks, Billy’s Root Beer Company fell six points.” Or, ” I’m going to invest in ClockTex Enterprises! The calculator wristwatch hasn’t reached it’s full potential.”

There’s a war on! Might it be safe to assume that certain industries might make for good investments during a war? Let’s brainstorm, pussies: Bullets, guns, bombs, missiles, planes, tanks, submarines. Companies who make these things are doing well; whoever owns stock in these companies is also doing well. Have I lost anyone?

After President Nazarbayev’s sweeping victory, the Kazhaks single party, unified government, must have Putin shaking in his boots like John Edwards at a bra and panty slumber party.

I’ve always thought gays were more creative, what with their home decorating prowess and keen fashion sense, but John Edwards is clearly one of the homo dolts. Months into our public feud “she-devil” is the best insult he’s been able to come up with. Where’s your sass, Edwards? This is like playing ping-pong with a parapalegic — there’s no pleasure in it for me if you can’t return my attacks. Let me help you out a little bit.

Here’s a picture of me. Isn’t it funny how skinny and long-limbed I am? Look at how my head is so big. My hand looks shrunken and weird. Let’s brainstorm — what insults might you derive from my strange appearance? You could incorporate my well-known arrogance and say, “Well, she can’t help but have a big head.” Any reference to the movie Powder will go over well with the 18-34 crowd. I’m chalk-white, 6′9″ and I weigh 74 pounds — take advantage of it.

Associated Press

Associated Press

In case you didn’t know, back in May, the president appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute to be the country’s war czar. And last week, those pledge-drive pussies at NPR browbeat him into saying that the country might need to consider reinstating a military draft. Considering that “All Things Considered” isn’t exactly known for fair and balanced journalism, I set up my own interview, so the General could speak his mind.

Me: First off, do you prefer “c-z-a-r” or “t-s-a-r?”

Lt. General Douglas Lute: I’ve always been partial to t-s-a-r, but George is confused by the silent t. There’s a lot of, “Why don’t I just call you Tdouglas Tlute the Twar Tsar, then?” and things like that, and, while George seems very amused by it all, we don’t get much done.

Me: Now, czar means “emperor” or “king” in Russian. It is an abbreviation of Caesar. Does that mean you are the “king of war?”

Lute: Yes, but king in the Hobbesian sense — the leviathan, the absolute and supreme. Not like those dopes in England with their ceremonial titles. If the administration wanted to pussyfoot around, they would’ve made the job title “war duke,” “war administrator” or “war president.” I am the war tsar, he who transcends mortality and communes with the Divine — the master of death and servant of no man, that sort of thing.

HUNTINGTON, UTAH, August 18th, 2015 — Hole number 317 has been drilled into the collapsed mine in an attempt to make contact with a team of miners who became trapped in the summer of 2007.

The miners, it is assumed, packed enough food, water and breathable air to sustain their lives for an indefinite period of time in the event of a collapse. After all, they willingly agreed to enter the employ of Murray Energy Corp., whose model for maintaining profit maximization necessitates lax safety standards and general disregard for the health of its workers.

Associated Press

Hamas Leader Ismail Haniyeh: [sinisterly] As you can see, I’ve amassed quite a number of bottles of water. A trusted advisor tells me that water burns the flesh of the devil-Jews. That is why they came to this arid place.

Henchman 1: Don’t bullets also kill the Jews?

Haniyeh: Yes, but bullets are expensive. And we’ve fired most of them into the air during celebrations and at each other in internecine conflict.

Henchman 2: Which of your advisors told you about this water-killing-the-Jews business? Was it Abdullah? Because remember when he said that–

Haniyeh: It was Hasim.

Henchman 2: The water salesman Hasim? He told you that this water would burn the Jews?

Associated Press

Listen, if you can’t keep your kid from gnawing on his toys like an animal, maybe he needs a little lead in his bloodstream to slow his ass down.

We don’t need the Mrs. Nanny-state interrupting the perfectly operating market economy.

Maybe we need a baby recall.

Beast of the Apocalypse, Cindy Sheehan, is running to unseat Nancy Pelosi in the House of Representatives. Pelosi’s district, California’s 8th (gayth), is politically somewhere left of the Politburo, so I was initially worried that Sheehan might win. Until I saw this:

Associated Press

I’ve seen lemonade stands with better signage. You couldn’t campaign for president of Retarded Island (an island where we send the retarded … finally!) with a sign that poorly made.