Associated Press

Putin’s raiders have placed the Russian flag on the Arctic, claiming the ancient bed of ice for the villains. Here’s Putin’s master plan (which I have to admit is a stroke of genius):

1. The ice caps melt due to global warming, exposing virgin oil reserves in the vast arctic.
2. Russia grabs the oil, sells it.
3. More global warming, less arctic ice.
4. Rinse, repeat.
5. World Domination.

Edwards: “Smells just like a Paul Labrecque I use. Do I detect a hidden note of sea kelp?”

Hillary: “No, that’s the aborted baby extract.”

Edwards: “Well, I simply must try some. You know, because I’m such a gay.”

Watching Barack and Hillary argue about which one’s tougher on rogue leaders is like watching a couple of homos debate which one is going to burn hotter in hell — pointless.

First of all, Hillary didn’t specify what “preconditions” would have to be met. Are the preconditions for meeting with Hugo Chavez a cheese tray and the presentation of an aborted fetus — also on a tray?

Associated Press

My psychiatrist cognitive behavioral advisor suggested I find someplace to relax. She says that immigration “derailed me” emotionally, and that I should go somewhere immigration isn’t a concern. So I’m here in the sunny Gaza strip.

I am really inspired by what I see here. Fences, shit, these guys have armed checkpoints. You need an act of Knesset to get through this border (Like, literally, you need parliamentary permission I think).

I took this photo of the border from my hotel room. What a marvel! I don’t ever want to leave. My new pal Khaled Al-Husseini, apparently an avid skier, says that, “once you enter the Gaza, you never leave.” I believe him!

A secondary goal of the proposed immigration reform bill is said to be the reinforcement of border controls. I’m all in favor of this! But once again, if it’s going to be done right, it’s gotta be done the Ann Coulter way. Not the pussy “Let’s build a little fence and hope we scare them away” method. Come on, are you serious, a fence? When was the last time a fence kept a Mexican from breaking into your car?

I’ll tell you when — when you were standing behind it exercising your God-given right to hold a fully loaded Smith & Wesson in one hand and a bowie knife in the other.

A new immigration reform bill has been introduced in Congress. Now, I agree that the immigration legislation in this country is in dire need of reform. I even agree with the goals of the legislation. They’re just going about it the wrong way.