Unbelieveable!

Salman Rushdie was just made a knight by Queen Elizabeth II. Is she crazy? She's old and ugly and British so probably yes. But Rushdie? 

My intern just told me about him. He wrote a book and his life was threatened. Did he tear off his shirt and scream, "I am here, come get me"? Did he jump in the air as his house exploded? Did he even sneak into the Ayatollah's secret base and hit a self destruct switch? No. He hid. For years. And not even in a tunnel. He hid in his apartment. What a loser.

If I wrote a book and my life was threatened I wouldn't run. I would hit them with the book. "Satanic Verses" was a big book. I could knock them out and jump through a plate glass window. And I'd say something like, "here's a little light reading" or "that was a real page-turner" or "out of my way".  You know, something memorable.

Zis is not the Austria I remember! I remember a beautiful Austria where tall, tanned, buxom, lederhosen-clad Amazonian maidens would frolick about the countryside, yodeling, clogging, pumping iron and having consensual sexual relations vis blond, muscular men of no relation to zem. When I think of the Austria from my yoooth, what I do not recall are lecherous old men impregnating zeir daughters in zeir basements. Apparently, I haf been gone from the homeland for fah too long.

When I first heard about zis disgusting old girly man who schtupped his daughter, I was so infuriated that I rammed my fist into my vife Maria's stomach. Immediately after that, I decided that I vould take action against the kind of filthiness that allowed Austria to become this twisted basement auf evil.

So because of this horrendous crime in my native country, I am hereby stepping down from my governorship of the state of Cadifaunia. I am relocating immediately to Vienna, where I am assuming total control over the country and beginning my re-education program. Zis country has become a haven for pedophiles and street performers while I vas avay in America acting in many movies and running the state of Cadifaunia, and it's time that somevun with authority and power step in. That's right, Austria: I'm the pahty poopah.

We are all going to play a little game now zat I haf used successfully in the past to impose law and order upon a populace that had no respect for rools. A game that I like to call "Police School."

Vat, Wolfsberg, you are not in ze mood to play? STOP IT!! STOP WHINING!!

The joyfulness is over, Austria!! You are all mine now! You belong to me! You Austrians are soft! You lack discipline! No more complaining. No more "Mr. Schwarzenneger, I haf to go the bafroom". Nothing!

ZERE IS NO BAFROOM!!

It is true, my medical files were breached at the UCLA medical center. Many of you are tinking dat once dey are released to the world, everyone will know dat I am not human. The files vill show dat I am a metal killer robot from the future. This isn't true.

I want to point out dat the person who breached the files and wanted to know da truth about me was a woman. Now, vhat else could a silly little woman who plays with computers want my medical files? She wants to know the truth about how big it, is? So, before any more sordid stories or details get exposed, I want to set the record straight. Ja, it is 17 inches. Dere, the truth.

Now you can all go back and vatch all my movies. Ja, I know, I have broken Maria in halve fifty-three times. It costs a fortune to get her replaced vit a new robot every time, hahaha. She is da robot! hahahaha.

As you know, my wife Maria is endorsing Obama. This is a kiss of death for him. Maria, she alvayz gets it wrong. Here is who she has endorsed over da years:

• Al Gore: Come to the Arnie school of the environment baby, learn something.
• Bill Clinton: ja, she didn't endorse him after he vanted to play vit her hinterschnitzelgruber.
• Michael Dukakis: even his own vife didn't endorse him, und, he needed a body vax.
• Valter Mondale: aren't you dead yet?

Ja, so she is wrong about a lot of things. And vile I am at it, Maria, you are wrong, I don't like dressing up like JFK vile you pretend to be Marilyn, ja, and also, I fake my orgasms, dat's right, if I didn't, you vould be blasted thru the wall, silly little anorexic woman, dat's vat you get for being a `Democrat!

Now let me smoke my cigar and tink about Monica Lewinsky...

Ja, so vhen I vas a teacher in Kindergarten Cop, da kiddies dere taught me da alphabet. It is really useful. So vhen I read about Flabby man John McCain's environmental policies, I give him an "F" grade, because he sucks on da environment. There are lots of other vords that begin vit "F" that I like. Like Fanny, ja, dat is a good one. She has got a nice F-anny, or, dat Fanny bag is cool, or, you need to pump up your -anny muscles. Also, I gave Obama and Clinton "B" grades, 'cause I also like "B" words. Like B-arack o-B-ama is a B-ig girlie Boy. And Hillary Clinton is a B-eeatch. Anyvay, I could go on for hours.

So go back and do your homevork Flabby man McCain, or else I vill kick your Butt. Now I just have to remember da rest of the alphabet and maybe even vatch a little bit of Sesame Street. I love dat show. And don't Forget, I'll be Back. Hahahaha, ja, I am a Barrel of Fun. 

Ja, all of you out there who hated da movie Junior, and I know there are a lot of you, but who is laffing now? Huh? I told you all I vas pregnant and now vhen some girlie man comes along, now you believe him? Oprah, you, loud-mouthed wind bag lady, vhy didn't you have me on your show when I vas carrying a baby, huh? I vant to know. For dat movie I had to have sex wit Danny DeVito!

 The other day Maria and I vere playing my favorite game, “Vat vould I do if I vas constitutionally allowed to be President?” I said, I vould sort out the problem in Afghanistan mit Sylvester Stallone, the truly last action hero, ja? Maria thought he didn’t have enough diplomatic experience. I laff at her! He has as much as I do and I am the Guvner’ of da’ most populous state in Amerika! And, I tell silly voman, he has been to Afghanistan and kicked some ass.

She then say that that vas in Rambo III and he was fighting with the Mujahedeen, who were the same as the mega-baddie guys Taliban. I really hate it when she shits on my dreams und aspirations und makes me feel like a meaty toy-boy with the intellect of a bratwurst and the body of a God. Stupid voman. I vould still send Rambo.

I vant to thank Edison for building a new $875 million dollar solar power plan in my state. It means dat someone is saving the environment by using da sun to run everyone's air conditioning, TV's, hair dryers, and especially game consoles. Did I mention dere is a new Terminator vs. Predator vs. Commando vs. Conan game coming out soon?  Ja, it kicks ass. And the big sun thingy, it takes some of the pressure off of our really, really badly mismanaged grid.

Da sun is really big, and hot, and full of lots of gas, ja, it is the Arnie of planets. So it keeps burning and vee keep getting energy, and it is clean, and will make the air pretty, and lots of cute little animals can live and play. So the environment vill all be happy clean vhen dis new plan goes online.

And, I hope, really, really hope dat this means that I can have my Hummers back. 

Hey, you, girlie man, Clint Eastvood, who is going to get the six lane toll road now? The Guvner, dat's who.

You vant to the see the new movie, Dirty Harry vs. the very large Austrian with the funny accent who has no political experience and no idea about the environment whatsoever but a strong charisma and lots of good sound bites, who you think vill win? Arnie baby, dat's who. Let me tell you, if it bleeds, I can kill it. And you, silly Parks Commissioner man, you bleed.

And you, sissy brother-in-law boy, Bobby Shriver, you can go too, ja? Ohhhh, you think Maria is going to be angry vit me, I tell you, I vear the lederhosen in this big, what do you call it, mansion thingy, sissy man. Hey, but you vant to know da real reason I vant the big toll road? So I can get to the nude beach at the south end of the park faster. Ja, dats right. Vat can I say, I am still a man who likes to flex for all da bunnies.

(Photo credit: Associated Press)