Zis is not the Austria I remember! I remember a beautiful Austria where tall, tanned, buxom, lederhosen-clad Amazonian maidens would frolick about the countryside, yodeling, clogging, pumping iron and having consensual sexual relations vis blond, muscular men of no relation to zem. When I think of the Austria from my yoooth, what I do not recall are lecherous old men impregnating zeir daughters in zeir basements. Apparently, I haf been gone from the homeland for fah too long.

When I first heard about zis disgusting old girly man who schtupped his daughter, I was so infuriated that I rammed my fist into my vife Maria's stomach. Immediately after that, I decided that I vould take action against the kind of filthiness that allowed Austria to become this twisted basement auf evil.

So because of this horrendous crime in my native country, I am hereby stepping down from my governorship of the state of Cadifaunia. I am relocating immediately to Vienna, where I am assuming total control over the country and beginning my re-education program. Zis country has become a haven for pedophiles and street performers while I vas avay in America acting in many movies and running the state of Cadifaunia, and it's time that somevun with authority and power step in. That's right, Austria: I'm the pahty poopah.

We are all going to play a little game now zat I haf used successfully in the past to impose law and order upon a populace that had no respect for rools. A game that I like to call "Police School."

Vat, Wolfsberg, you are not in ze mood to play? STOP IT!! STOP WHINING!!

The joyfulness is over, Austria!! You are all mine now! You belong to me! You Austrians are soft! You lack discipline! No more complaining. No more "Mr. Schwarzenneger, I haf to go the bafroom". Nothing!

ZERE IS NO BAFROOM!!

Okay, now, when I blow zis vistle, I want every Austrian, from Amstetten to Eisenstadt, to go over to the cubby area, get one toy, and bring it back here to the cahpet.

STOP!! VERE ARE YOU GOING, KLAGENFURT? I DID NOT BLOW THE VISTLE!!

Okay. Now go. SLOWLY! YOU IDIOTS! NO TRAMPLING, KLOSTERNEUBERG! Everyone get one toy. Good. Yes! That's good! Ha ha! This is verking! Yes! Very good, Austrians.

Now I vill put on a silly straw hat and pretend to play the banjo and zen ve vill drink our milk and take a nap.