There's a new ad out by McCain criticizing how much people like me and want me to be president...

Those deafening chants of my name and the packed Washington Monument lawn sure seems like a mandate to me. Let's compare it to one of your events:

There has been a lot of talk recently about how no one can seem to find a joke (or at least a tasteful one … New Yorker, I’m looking at you) to make about Mr. Democratic Nominee. How can that be true? I have plenty to eccentricities to play off. I’m not some polished figure that’s simply smart, responsible and a symbol of much needed change. So, I’ve done you all a favor and compiled a list of ways to make fun of me if the occasion arises. No need to continue to laugh at how old Mr. McCain looks, acts and administers government. In no particular order:

1. I’m pretty tall, not that tall… but taller than most people. I’m also skinny, in good shape really, but skinny in the eyes of most Americans.

2. I didn’t go to Yale, Harvard or Princeton for my undergraduate degree. Sure, I went to Columbia, but even President Bush went to Yale and look at that guy.

3. I was born in Hawaii… that’s a weird state, right?

You know, it's one thing to be the victim of a cruel media attack by some conservative wing-nut publication, but now I have to look out for--The New Yorker? What a great idea, David Remnick. Put me and Michelle on the cover dressed as Muslim terrorists! What--you didn't like the mock-up of us killing baby seals?

I had never seen The New Yorker until I arrived at Harvard for freshman orientation. This guy "Ian" who lived down the hall from me--very artsy, wore a Japanese bandanna--walks into my room reading a copy. He's laughing his ass off and says "Look at this."

It's a sketch of two people sitting on bean bag chairs in an apartment, talking to their guests. "We're not rich, but we're comfortable." A real knee-slapper.

You know, sometimes I just can't catch a break. Except from the news media and the people who've given $300 million to my campaign.

A new AP-Yahoo poll shows me trailing John McCain by 5 points among the 63% of you idiots who own pets. In other words, I could lose the election because of people who spend their weekends buying hamster wheels at Pet World.

You want to get the influence of money out of politics? Then how 'bout stopping former prisoners of war from buying up every dumb animal in creation? McCain's got two dogs, two turtles, a cat, a ferret, three parakeets, a rhinocerous and a partridge in a pear tree.

It just isn't fair. I work hard in school, go on to Harvard Law and now folks are gonna choose between me and a guy who gets the senior citizen discount at Olive Garden on the critically-important issue of--pets?

Look, I moved around a lot. My mom never let me have a pet. I just never learned to warm up to those little dime-store turtles. That's why we don't have a pet. Does that mean I'm a bad person?