Since so many of you submitted videos for the CNN/YouTube debates, I’d like to take this opportunity to respond to some questions that I probably won’t have time to address during the actual debate on July 23rd. Your questions deserve careful, thoughtful consideration, and that is what I hope to supply here.

First of all, Eric, you’re like 12 years old. What kind of kid your age pays attention to politics? You can’t even vote, so why do you give a shit? Secondly, your question is ridiculous. Would I pardon George W. Bush if he were impeached? I don’t think you know the first thing about political strategy. Why would I alienate my base by helping the most hated president of all time? Go play Atari or something.

Wow, Jaimie, you are looking fantastic. I’m really sorry to hear about your friend, although to be honest I stopped paying attention almost immediately after you started talking. What happened, she lost her job or something? Anyway I’m sure things will pick up. Let’s get back to you and me. Ever wanted to be an intern? Call my office.

Jed, I’m just impressed you own and know how to use a computer. Did they just get electricity where you live? By the way, when you talk to me, you will remove all toothpicks, hay or other paraphernalia from your mouth. I’m a senator. To get to your question, the greatest invention of all-time is hope.

Where are you recording this from, the back room of an adult video store? Or are you in your bedroom developing photographs of the girl you’ve been stalking? And is that a cane you’re twirling? You must have made a conscious decision to include that in your video, but it only adds to my hatred for you. Nuclear weapons, while a huge problem for the rest of the world, should be the least of your concerns. Get a life, weirdo.

Sorry, girls, this skit was not believable at all. The relationship between the teacher and student was unrealistic, and a much older women should have been cast as the teacher. Your sex-ed class looks exactly like a household kitchen. Is that what classrooms look like in Springtown High School, or did you just decide to entirely forgo any set design? By the way, I wouldn’t worry too much about birth control, it probably won’t come up.