Super Tuesday came and went last night, and as a candidate for the Democratic nomination I would be remiss to NOT have kept a running diary. Below are my thoughts as I stole an hour or two to watch the results roll in:
9:10 PM CT: Sorry, friends, for getting to my Super Tuesday running diary a little late. I spent the early evening hours hovering around a VFW and intimidating voters who looked like they might vote for Hillary Clinton.
9:15: I’m starting the coverage with CNN and I get to a television just in time to see Wolf Blitzer call Massachusetts for Hillary. That hurts a little. Mostly because I hate Wolf Blitzer. But also because Massachusetts has a black governor that endorsed me. It’s sad to see that the Commonwealth still has race issues to sort through, despite all that has happened since Crispus Attucks.
9:25: State count. Obama: Alabama, Georgia, Delaware, Ilinois, Connecticut. Clinton: New York, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma. What does this mean? I’m not really sure, this delegate system confuses me.
9:36: Michelle just baked some delicious nachos to keep me going late into the night. Her secret: Hormel canned corned beef instead of chili. You might laugh, but its GREAT energy food. The girls baked some cookies earlier, too. They tasted like shit but I didn’t raise my girls to bake cookies.
9:44: Switched to NBC just in time to see Brian Williams talking to Joe Lieberman. Williams is a really handsome guy but NBC made a poor decision in broadcasting Lieberman’s face in HD. He looks like a cross between the Mr. Softee man and the dude whose face melts in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
9:51: Peggy Noonan just called me “compelling” which is what the white chicks in college used to say when they wanted to sleep with me to get back at their parents. Call me, Peggy.
9:54: Back to CNN. Hillary just plugged her website while speaking to her braindead supporters: www.trannybang.com. Just playing, it’s www.hillaryclinton.com.
9:57: Seriously who are these people that support Hillary? Based on what I see it’s almost exclusively white women with weight issues. I imagine being at one of her rallies is like stumbling around with a concussion at a Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood book club meeting.
10:00: California is closed. Officially closed. I’m told this is important.
10:05: Blitzer calls Missouri a “bellwether” state. I’m really not sure what that means but he tells me I need St. Louis and Kansas City to come up big for me if I want a shot. Good thing I got that ringing endorsement from Nelly.
10:20: First precinct reports from California are in and CNN says I’ve been very successful with the white and black voters. That’s encouraging, I guess. What I didn’t account for are Asian voters, who support Hillary three to one and who are notorious in their distrust of black people as evidenced by the Korean grocers in Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing.
10:26: Wolf calls Missouri a “bellwether” state again. I think he made that word up.
10:45: McCain is talking about being the front runner in the Republican race and all I can think about is how smoking hot his wife is. Wait, what? Oh, God, looking at Hillary every debate has really fucked with my standards of attractiveness.
10:49: I’m about to speak but CNN won’t switch off this McCain bullshit. Okay, here we go. BRB, y’all.
11:16: I’m back, and that was an AWESOME speech. People were chanting “CHANGE” and “U-S-A” and “Hillary is a bitch!” which begs the question: whose supporters would win in a battle royale, mine or Hillary’s? I don’t think it’s even a contest. (mine)
11:18: I’ve won Missouri, the “tetherball” state!! Fuck you, Wolf Blitzer!
11:30: Well things look to be shaping up okay with almost all the states divided among us and only shitty, useless New Mexico too close to call at the moment. The final tally:
Obama: Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, North Dakota, Utah. Delegates: 872
Clinton: Arizona, Arkansas, California, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oklahoma, Tennessee. Delegates: 793
Hillary, I just kicked your ass. Sorta, I think. Time for bed, and you know what? I’m satisfied.