You know, sometimes I just can't catch a break. Except from the news media and the people who've given $300 million to my campaign.

A new AP-Yahoo poll shows me trailing John McCain by 5 points among the 63% of you idiots who own pets. In other words, I could lose the election because of people who spend their weekends buying hamster wheels at Pet World.

You want to get the influence of money out of politics? Then how 'bout stopping former prisoners of war from buying up every dumb animal in creation? McCain's got two dogs, two turtles, a cat, a ferret, three parakeets, a rhinocerous and a partridge in a pear tree.

It just isn't fair. I work hard in school, go on to Harvard Law and now folks are gonna choose between me and a guy who gets the senior citizen discount at Olive Garden on the critically-important issue of--pets?

Look, I moved around a lot. My mom never let me have a pet. I just never learned to warm up to those little dime-store turtles. That's why we don't have a pet. Does that mean I'm a bad person?

Okay, so it does. But there are only two people in the world who have a right to complain about it. My kids. But if you think I'm cleaning out a kitty-box just to become President of the United States--think again.

That's Michelle's job.

(Photo credit: Associated Press)