That’ll be $1.69 please. Oh, a twenty… here’s $18.31 back.
$5.72. A ten? Here’s $4.28.
5,100,654 yen… Oh, a 10,000,000 yen? Here’s 4899486 yen back.
And on, and on, and on. All day long my fellow Americans. But Barack (You inevitably say to yourselves) … that’s a lot of math to figure out instantaneous in your head. Yeah it is, but it’s not math to me, it’s just change. I breath change, I eat change, and I live change. I am change.
So how could anyone in the world even consider those Republicans to be an agent of something that I so clearly have a monopoly on?
Let me provide for you strong citizens some examples of how change can be a real change, or fake change …like the fake change my opponent and his Anti-Abortion female candidate is offering.
1. Chocolate is introduced to an all vanilla ice cream parlor. (Real Change)
2. An old version of vanilla is introduced to that same ice cream parlor. (That would be fake Change)
3. A small child receives a new fire truck for Christmas (Real Change)
4. That same small child receives the same poorly made sweater from his grandmother, who is suffering dementia, as he did for the last eight years. (Fake Change)
5. The sun rises after a long cold winter night. (Real Change)
6. The sun does not rise and that cold winter night continues, maybe for 8 more years, maybe for longer. Or maybe the sun burnt out all together and the human race is doomed. (Fake change… except for if the sun burnt out, that’d just be bad change)
Sarah Palin:
Real Change: I rip off your head and spike it on the ground, then do an end-zone dance. Your ass is grass, bitch.
9/5/2008 10:57 AMJohn McCain:
Easy, baby. We don't want to tease the opposition. We don't want to goad them into actually attacking us on our idea of what "change" is (i.e., imprisoning all single pregnant teenagers who are not named Bristol, ocean-drilling for the sheer pleasure of ecological destruction, and, of course, "fight, fight, fighting and never giving up"). Our farce may actually have a chance as long as they stand pat. Now, come here, and bring the lube, I can't move my arms, hips or knees again, and devouring that baby seal didn't help.
9/5/2008 11:56 AMGeorge W. Bush:
I don't understand it, why do everyone what "change" so badly. I am a super president and my presidency has been awesome for America. And my multi-tasking skills have never been better. For instance, I can sleep and spend/lose money at the same time. Pretty dandy, huh? Also I hear there's a debate going on as to whether I'm evil or just stupid. Can't me be both?
9/8/2008 12:27 PMDick Cheney:
When the fuck can I go back to Wyoming already? My arteries hurt.
9/8/2008 12:36 PMBigfoot:
First, Bobby Joe gets killed, skinned alive, frozen, the image of his remains splashed all over the media, and then his very existence denied as a hoax [RIP Bobby Joe, you my boy 4evah]. Now, Palin ticket up in the polls and pretty soon I'll be dodging fucking low-flying helicopters with fucking wolfhunters armed to the gotdam teeth with .30-.30s and tranq darts. Fuck this, movin' to Canada!!!! Movin' to Canada!!!!
9/8/2008 1:29 PMBarack Obama:
African Americans are ignorant of their black heritage. I have a problem calling Obama an African American. He said his mother is white and father is black. He designed his own race card by using both sides of his family to get black and white Americans voters. If you are an African American one of your parents can trace their roots back to slavery in this country. He can trace his black roots back to his father in Kenya. What did he say at the end of the debate? My father is from Kenya. He has 44 years in this country as an American citizen from Kenya. Was any member of his family a slave, pick cotton, die in the military, been or part of civil right movement? Can he celebrate Black History Month? What has his father done for the blacks in this country? Did he serve in the military to fight for the freedom of Americans? It is not fair to allow him to reap all the benefits of being an African American without black roots in this country. Obama has all the civil right leaders afraid to speak out because he would scream racist. If he wins he would be the first African from Kenya to be president of the US. I waited 67 years to vote. What kind of Change is this? I am not going to insult my black ancestors by voting for him.
9/28/2008 9:56 AMJohn McCain:
My friends, this is why I will win the Presidency. My esteemed opponent is obviously schizophrenic, and his other personality is consumed by intense self-loathing. My friends, is this really who you want to be your leader?
Besides, I was not allowed to have a second personality during the 5 1/2 years I spent in a Vietnamese prison camp.
BOMB BOMB BOMB, BOMB BOMB IRAN!
9/28/2008 10:59 AMSarah Palin:
As I'm sure most of you have come to realize, I am truly a stupid cunt. I believe that being the governor of Alaska is equivalent to Joe Biden's foreign policy experience. I believe that taking money from the federal government for a ridiculously stupid project that I supported to get elected and then keeping it, despite not building that Bridge to Nowhere, marks me as a Maverick. I support loveless marriages and rapists' babies. I don't know who are current president is, and really don't care too much to learn about it. I believe that being dumb and evil at the same time is, in fact, terrific multi-tasking. I worship at the alter of Dick Cheney and have been sure to get blessed to avoid the curse of witchcraft.
That said, even I know that Obama is a Black American.
10/1/2008 11:40 AMJohn McCain:
Way too much straight-talk sweetheart. Don't you remember, we're not doing that anymore.
10/2/2008 10:45 AMLexie:
America reach out and hold onto Mc Cain, you truly have a gem of a man to run your country. What a dignified gentleman.
Did you know?
Did you know that Obama is fooling the American public. He was born in Kenya. Is therefore African and guess what ..
Dont expect much help from Obama.
Obama should have seen to his grandmothers poverty first (years ago) before he tried to clean up Americas back yard.
Why is his grandmother still living in such abject poverty if Obama is the hero he makes out to be?
It would have taken just a few of his American dollars to help her build a better shack.
OBAMA SHAME ON YOU. Vote for Mc Cain and be safe.
10/16/2008 2:00 PM