I may not be president yet, but rest assured, I'm working hard with my staff to ensure a smooth, historical, and totally "mac" inauguration and transition.

We huddled over the weekend to go over a few things. First thing everybody agreed on--"The Star-Spangled Banner" has got to go.

It's hard to sing and it's based on an English drinking song. Nobody knows the lyrics except for the first words--"O, say can you see?"--and the last--"Play ball!"

People been talkin' about getting a new national anthem for years, but nobody ever does anything about it. That's why I'm Mr. Change You Can Believe In. I'm going to hit the ground running with a new national anthem on inauguration day, or Larry Summers is an overweight, misogynistic wise-ass!

We got together in a conference room at Democratic National Headquarters and I told everybody, you get one vote, one chance to be part of history. Any singer, any group, except for The Carpenters and N.W.A. Two things I won't tolerate are the "n" word and Karen Carpenter jokes.

Everybody folded their little pieces of paper and passed them up to me. Here's the final tally:

#5: Play That Funky Music, White Boy, by Wild Cherry. An oldie but goodie, but it didn't get enough popular votes. Sort of like John McCain.

#4: What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding? Are you kidding? I've got to govern from the middle! Next.

#3: Celebration. Look, I'm a big fan of Kool & the Gang, but once this--the most popular wedding reception song in history--starts playing, everybody's expected to dance. And you saw what happened when Ellen DeGeneres got me out on the floor--it was a disaster! I nearly lost the African-American vote!

#2: Mr. Big Stuff: I like it, but I think it would be viewed as, uh, egotistical. Like the Grecian columns in Denver--a bit over the top. So your #1 hit--with a bullet--our new national anthem is--

Love Train by the O'Jays! It's bi-partisan, with an international flavor. It was a #1 hit on both the R&B and Billboard Top 100 charts. It's got a good beat, and people can dance to it.

Even me.