By now, you've heard all the rumors. I'm a Muslim--not that there's anything wrong with that.  I'm not an American--not that there's anything so hot about that. I'm a radical, I'm a smoker, I dribble left-handed and can't go to my right.

Lies, all of them--except the one about smoking. But you should know this about me--I am a Vulcan.

That's right--the super-rational race of beings whose most famous member is Spock, from Star Trek.

Look at it this way. Who would you rather have as president: a wack ex-POW like McCain, a low I.Q. ticket-balancer like Biden--both 100% human, as far as anybody can tell--or mutts like me and Spock, who have both human and Vulcan ancestors?

Humans have emotions, and so do I. Really--I'll show them to you sometime. Vulcans subordinate feelings to logic. We make the right decisions, because we don't watch Disease-of-the-Week movies before cranking out health care policy papers.

Don't believe me? Did you know that Leonard Nimoy gave my campaign $2,300? That's why he's going to be appointed administrator of NASA come January 20, 2009.

Give big and prosper, earthlings!