My fellow Americans:

Today marks the final step in a long and difficult march to freedom. For smokers.

For too long, people like me have been forced to stand outside in the cold and the rain in order to exercise a very basic, fundamental right. The right to stick a bunch of leaves in our mouths and set them on fire.

Martin Luther King smoked. Maybe Rosa Parks didn't, but Humphrey Bogart did, and he was the ultimate in cool. God, I must have seen "Casablanca" a million times when I was going to Harvard!

But enough about me. Today is about you--the people who have fallen in love with my voice and my slim, hip figure. I wouldn't have that voice or figure if I didn't smoke. So I am today signing Executive Order No. 1 of my administration.

All no-smoking signs are coming down. No more "smoker's ghettos" outside office buildings. No more fern bars with bitchy women giving you the hairy eyeball when you so much as take a pack of cigarettes out of your pocket.

America--smoke 'em if you got 'em!