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Barack Obama’s Blog

This audaciously hopeful young politician could charm his way out of a shooting squad using only the words "America," "optimism" and "future." Obama first rose to national prominence with his 2004 Democratic National Convention speech, which statistically lowered U.S. cynicism by 2.4%. His presidential campaign is emphasizing universal health care and the Iraq War (he's for and against, respectively).

Do not believe internet rumors except for what's on my new website

By Barack Obama

I launched a site today to debunk myths that have been flying around. Because the best place to debunk internet rumors is a website. And the type of people who believe these myths are tech savvy enough to know about the existence of websites other than AOL.

I'm not entirely pleased with the domain name: Fight the Smears. It sounds like an ovarian cancer prevention site or a place to post pictures of queers that have been smeared.

Still, the information presented is important, and it's presented in a format that the kid who had to repeat first grade can understand. We print the lie, then in much bigger, prettier letters say the truth. But on this website of undeniable authenticity, I'll elaborate on some of these rumors:

LIE: Rush Limbaugh says a tape exists of Michelle Obama using the word “whitey” from the pulpit of Trinity United.

TRUTH FROM WEBSITE:  No Such Tape Exists.

ADDITIONAL TRUTH: Because we destroyed it. But really is this such an offensive term? Anything you add a "y" to automatically becomes cute. Like the name Buck. You probably picture a tough redneck guy clinging to his guns. But Bucky is a soft teddy bear type who cries during sunsets.

6/12/2008 3:16 PM, Chicago
11 comments

You cut me deep, Dan Boren

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

Apparently, Representative Dan Boren doesn’t endorse me for president.

Well, I’m glad CNN ran that story because, frankly, I’d never heard of Dan Boren before.

I hope he’s happy, though. He finally got his face in the papers and on the news! Dan Boren’s a man now! Someone necromance Andy Warhol out of his grave, because Dan Boren’s getting his 15 minutes of fame! I wonder if, right now, he’s strolling through the streets of Oklahoma City and saying to all the eight women in town, “Hey, there, darling. Did you see the old Dan Boren on the picture radio today? I don’t know if you did see, but I do not support Barack Obama. Just so you know, they thought it was so important that they put me on TV. Like Carol Burnett or Billy Mays. And since I’m making Hollywood money now, I thought I’d take you out for a nice dinner. Oh yeah: I’m talking Carrabba's nice.”

Well here’s a slow ‘80s clap for you, Dan Boren. Well played.

6/11/2008 3:37 PM, New York, NY
3 comments

Why I hate Hillary Clinton supporters

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

Lost in all the hubbub about seating the Florida and Michigan delegates, today's end of the primary season, my being only 35 delegates away from formally clinching the nomination, and, oh yeah, HILLARY'S IMPENDING CONCESSION, are the voters whose voices were tragically silenced. 

No, not the black voters who have been disenfranchised by decades of implicit and systemic racism.  No, not the good, hardworking, Christian folks who have been hoodwinked by the Republican Party into supporting an administration that has done nothing but use them.  I talk about the most marginal of the marginal, a demographic that has been continuously ignored, especially throughout this primary season: OLD, WHITE, RACIST, FEMALE, HILLARY SUPPORTERS FROM MANHATTAN:

I know this video has been making the rounds on Youtube (1,000,000 views already???  Only, like 20 million more to catch up with Chocolate Rain) but, come on people, why can't Harriet Christian catch a break in this world that has so forsaken her??  Sure she comes off like an older, more Alzheimer-y Geraldine Ferraro, but she raises some valid points:

1. I am indeed an inadequate black man.  Mainly because I'm only half black.  I can play basketball, but I can't dunk.  I can talk jive, but I don't have an enormous penis.  I have children, but I'm married to their mother.

2. This lady HAS been treated like a "second-class citizen", IF NOT WORSE.  Think about it this way: before the end of slavery, blacks were counted at 3/5, or 60%, of a person in national censuses when it came to the distribution of electoral votes.  Hillary supporters (most of them probably old and fart-y like Harriet) in Michigan and Florida were only allowed to seat 1/2, or 50%, of their delegates.  What's larger, 60 or 50?  Hillary supporters are being treated LESS FAIRLY than slaves.

6/3/2008 3:35 PM, Chicago
12 comments

An open letter to my body man, Reggie Love

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

It’s time we had a talk, Reggie, man to body man. I’ve learned a lot from you, about Jay-Z, basketball, and what “sizurp” is, and I’d like to think that you’ve grown a lot in the months you’ve been my personal assistant. I mean, when I hired you, you were just another Division I athlete whose pro football career was over before it began, and now The New York Times is writing cover stories about you and when you go back home to Charlotte people start chanting your name. Feels pretty awesome, right?

Well, to paraphrase my Uncle Ben (not the guy on the rice box, racists, my white uncle), “With great publicity must come negative stories about every bad thing you’ve ever done.” When you’re famous, there are certain types of photos you can't afford to have lying around: you in front of a mosque or with Louis Farrakhan, or in a swimsuit if you don’t have a perfect body. Oh and passed out at a frat party with some guy’s balls in your face. That's kind of a big one.

I know you can’t change the past. You were just a dumb college kid who played a few too many rounds of beer pong at the local frat house and ended up passing out on the sofa. But you can learn from your mistakes. Like back in my college days, when my nickname was “Barry White” (and not because I had a deep, pleasing baritone) I got burned a few times on business transactions, but I learned how to taste when the motherfuckers were cutting the shit with flour.

So what can you learn from this experience? Number one, frat guys are gay, but that’s obvious. Number two, and this is the important one Reggie, don’t ever get drunk around white people.

5/28/2008 11:58 AM, New York
2 comments

Ever notice how everyone who works at a bank is a vice president?

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

I'm down here in Boca to start the process of selecting the man or woman who, if I'm elected, will serve as my vice president. And what better place to begin than the American Bankers Association's annual convention? Did you know that over 98% of the people in the banking industry are vice presidents?

It's true--walk into any bank and chances are the only employee who isn't a vice president is the Rent-a-Cop guarding the place. Most banks have Assistant Vice Presidents, Second Vice Presidents, Miami Vice Presidents, and Just Plain Vanilla Vice Presidents. There's a saying in the banking industry: Being a Vice President is like being a high school graduate--it only matters if you're not.

5/23/2008 10:11 AM, Boca Raton, Florida
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I WIN!!!!!! But I can't really say that

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

No matter what happens in today's primaries, America, I will emerge from them with the undisputed (unless you're a woman who doesn't understand math) majority in the pledged delegate count.

Now I know this whole delegate system is confusing.  For instance: what's a "delegate"?  From this Google Image search result it appears that a delegate is one of four things:

  1. A homosexual with a soul-patch and monochromed shirt and tie combination.
  2. An overtanned trophy wife with an eating disorder.
  3. An autistic Ryan Phillippe.
  4. A laptop computer, probably a Dell, DEFINITELY not a Macbook.

So why can't I proclaim victory? Because Hillary is a vindictive bitch who will tear the party apart. So I told my campaign managers that we won't make any overt declarations of victory today. Which we won't. 

5/20/2008 1:40 PM, Chicago
4 comments

Barack and John: a Bromance Story

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

Good to have you on board, John-boy!  Seriously, this is pretty awesome, though I can't say it's a total shocker.

Don't tell anyone, but John's endorsement has been privately in my pocket for months. I don't know if it was that one time we gangbanged Hillary in that debate or the countless hours we've spent up all night talking on the phone, but John and I have made a real connection. Just two handsome bros from opposite sides of the racial tracks trying to get by. His daddy was a coal miner, my daddy was a goat herder. His met his wife in law school, I met my wife in law school (but I went to Harvard).  He's a charismatic ex-trial attorney, I'm a charismatic, super-intelligent, awesome human being.  We have so much in common. 

You know, I hesitate to use the word "bromance", but this could be the real deal. And that's hard for me to admit. Back in college I got burned badly by a bro who scammed on this betty I was into and I was heartbroken. Since then, I haven't been bromantically involved with anyone- anyone, that is, until John.  He just- I don't know how to articulate it.  But it feels right.  Like I'll call him up and be all like "Bro..." and he'll be all like "Dude, I totally get you." and that's fucking awesome to have, you know?

5/15/2008 1:38 PM, Chicago
4 comments

Finally something good -- I think

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

Last night, after I gave a fantastic speech in Raleigh, Michelle and I went back to our hotel, weary yet satisfied. And when I closed my eyes for some much needed sleep for the first time in months the shrew-ish face of Hillary Rodham Clinton, eyes ablaze with the same flames that surround the pumpkin head of the Headless Horseman (only uglier) was nowhere to be seen. Yes, it's true, Hillary and I did split yesterday's primaries. But I beat her fucking raw in North Carolina. 

How raw? Raw enough that EVEN with her slim victory in Indiana (23,000 votes? Please more people than that tailgate my campaign bus.) I made up the huge margin in the popular vote I lost in Pennsylvania by calling those hick voters God-loving neo-Nazi killers. Raw enough for me to recapture the Obama-mentum I had lost in the last month and a half. Raw enough for Reuters to characterize Hillary's campaign as dead in the water. Raw enough for TIME Magazine to publish the "that's what she said"-baiting headline: "Clinton's Hard Road Gets Harder".  Raw enough for even the most muck-raking, shitstorming, asshole-journalists to declare the race to the nomination over. I mean, I fucking WAILED on her. Say what you will about imagining a black guy beating the living shit out of a old white lady, but even you gotta smile when you picture it.

What does this all mean?  First of all, it means that Hillary will continue to destroy the Democratic party by questioning my electability.  Sure I don't appeal to white people that didn't go to college, but we're the fucking Democratic Party. Our core is liberal elitists and minorities.  Farmer Jim?  Fuck farmer Jim.  As soon as the Bush adminstration issues a terror alert in early October he's voting for McCain, anyway. 

5/7/2008 2:39 PM, Chicago
1 comment

Judgment Day... again

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

Who's ready for another anti-climactic day of primaries?!  I guess I am.  Today Indiana and North Carolina hold the last two Democratic primaries that matter (from what I'm told) and if I can win both, Hillary is finished.  But will I?  Probably not.  Because people are assholes and God hates me.

Seriously, I just want all of this stuff to end.  The other day I spent nineteen straight hours campaigning.  Nineteen hours of visiting car factories, eating terrible regional cuisine, and shaking hands with white people who have already decided not to vote for the black guy.  I'm breaking my fucking back here.  And what has Hillary been up to?  She's been making incredibly bad sports analogies and blaming "elite" economists for the woes of the middle class.  Jesus, maybe she has a point.  If I can't gain any traction against a candidate as bad as her how in the hell am I going to win the general election?

5/6/2008 4:44 PM, Chicago
6 comments

Now when I talk policy, I go on Letterman and deliver a Top Ten list

By Barack Obama

Bio & Blog

Back in January I went on the Late Show with David Letterman and delivered the "Top Ten Barack Obama Campaign Promises". It was a lot of fun and a much needed respite from the grueling campaign trail. Well it turns out- and believe me we tried to get out of this- that those campaign promises were binding. You may ask, "But Barack, what about number six, 'I'll put Regis on the nickel' or, worse, number one, 'Three words: Vice President Oprah.'?" No loopholes here folks, I've implicitly agreed to both of those.

Rather than dwell on this misstep I decided to embrace it, and last night I was back in the hot seat, firing off the "Top Ten Surprising Facts About Barack Obama", all of which are 100% factual.

And none of them were more true than number ten. As a U.S. Senator I enjoy pretty broad powers when it comes to interacting with those I govern, but even a Senator does not have the necessary executive privilege to bridge the gap between former best friend's and current The Hills co-stars Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag.

5/2/2008 2:17 PM, Chicago
1 comment

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