I’m so relieved that my dear sweet friend Lindsay Lohan will spend only one day behind bars. The freckled star is too fragile for jail. Besides, I know for a fact that it’s very tough to smuggle any kind of substance past those burly armed guards.

Unfortunately, young Lindsay (who says she looks up to me as an “older sister”) will also have to serve ten days of community service. I’m trying to pull a few strings so that she can fulfill that commitment by being my personal assistant on “The View.” If you don’t think that qualifies as community service, let me remind you that I’m a highly respected member of the community, and I need service daily.

Lindsay was quoted as saying, “I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed.” Well, who hasn’t?! I just did something for which I am ashamed twenty minutes ago. (It involved a puff, a cuff, and Barry Bonds in the buff. That’s enough.)