Associated Press

The irrepressible Rosie O’Donnell has done it again. My ex co-host and close friend slams yours truly in her new book Celebrity Detox by suggesting I retire. “Everybody should say goodbye at some point,” Rosie writes.

You’re probably thinking I should just ignore the vicious words of a loud-mouthed, badly-dressed lesbian. But I must admit the baritone bulldozer is right. I happen to be very very old, and when I watch tapes of The View I realize I come across as a prim schoolmarm who scolds colleagues for being racy. (Just the fact that I use the word schoolmarm proves that I’m from another era.)

There are two problems with retiring at Rosie’s request:

1. I have nothing else to do. How many limo rides can one take and Bourbon Black Hawks can one imbibe before becoming bored?
2. Desperate housewives across the country feel privileged to let me into their filthy living rooms each morning. I bring a little class and culture to their monotonous, moribund lives. (I’m proud to report that more screaming children are neglected during The View than during any other hour of the day.) These pathetic, distressed parents need a dash of my wit and wisdom to prevent them from adding cyanide to their Special K.

I may be 78-years-old (or perhaps 86 wink wink), but I am a walking, breathing legend. So I walk slowly and breathe with difficulty, but I am a legend. And Rosie isn’t.