Looks like some pencil-necked pussy has seen it fit to name 10 teams that could use my services. Truthfully, the list of ballclubs who "could use" my services numbers about 12 million (and I'm not counting Mongolia's Triple-A clubs). So it would be easier to make a list of about 5 worldwide teams that don't need my services. Otherwise this blog will be all about my favorite dietary supplements, and I don't talk about that shit unless I get paid:
1. Zurich Greenbacks: First, I don't play in mountains with the Sounds of Music and shit. Besides, those Euro-trash honkies who play for the Geneva Vaginas or whatever would intentionally walk me all game long, and I didn't crank out 15 reps of 535lbs on bench yesterday so I could stand at first base and wait for a pinch-runner. Get Rickey Henderson on the phone, you no-army-havin' Nancys.
2. Kabul Rock Lizards: There are two kinds of terrorist training grounds in the Middle East -- the kind with the DH, and the kind without. Kabul would trade me straight over to Islamabad, and I ain't about to sign that many motherfuckin' leases.
3. Helsinki SnowFarts: Kinda hard to hit the ball outta the park and into the right-field bleachers when the right-field bleachers are under 15-foot snowdrifts. Get back to me in 5 years when greenhouse gases do their thing, and those blue-eyed Nordies will be polesmoking their way across California just to get my email address.
4. Neptune Space-Invader Alien Team: Because I occasionally require oxygen, dipshit.
5. San Francisco Giants: Oh they can use my services, all right. Too bad they don't know that the only service I got for them is a knuckle-goddamned-sandwich promotion at the gate for all white people over the age of 10 and under the age of 70 (I'm a gentleman). Hey, how many chances do you get to stop a roundhouse crack in the face from a fallen legend who can clean-and-jerk your Chevy Tahoe? Seriously, how many?