To answer your first question, no, none of them asshole white MLB owners has broken from the party line to offer me the millions per year that I know they have. What are they doing with that money, anyway?  Buying yogurt?  Elton John CDs?  Pilates lessons? 

But the point of this blog post is to remind YOUR asses that HBO is still planning a movie about me. That's right. So after they manufacture enough prosthetic muscles and special effects to properly simulate my insanely awesome feats of freaking amazingness, the first question is: who's got the nuts to play me?

Don't worry, babybirds, I've been working on a list to feed you with:

1. Barry Bonds: Duh. I'm out of work, I used to draw 45,000 fans a night, and you know goddamned well I'll hit every note pitch-perfect in this performance.

2. Samuel L. Jackson:  That skinny-ass motherfucker can at least play a supporting role as me in my Pittsburgh Pirates days, when I actually used to waste my talent on stealing bases and running out infield hits and shit.  Plus, If he could throw in a few bible verses about "great vengeance" and "furious anger" like he did in Pulp Fiction, that'd be sweet.

3. Robert Downey Jr.:  I never even heard of this black-as-night motherfucker until I saw this movie poster:

See that crazy-ass look in his eye?  It's perfect.  If I have prior engagements, he better not be busy, and HBO better not be a bunch of cheapasses.

4. Vin Diesel: Throw in a few F-bombs and a locker-room recliner and I think I'd confuse him with me.  Only one problem -- sometimes I'm not 100% sure he's black....or white....or Italian...or....shit!  As soon as Taint-licker (A-Rod) gets done using the Newsgroper Libary Internet to research gay porn, I'll try and get to the bottom of this confounding mother fucker's family tree.

5. Michael Clarke Duncan: Budget pick.  This was the big, bad, bald, greasy, slow-talking sumbitch on The Green Mile who used his supernatural powers to heal urinary tract infections.  I bet he'd play me for nothing.

#1's all I need, though.  To be honest, If I don't get my first choice, I'd rather they skip the movie about me, and just write a book.