Some things have come to my attention recently concerning Jakob Lodwick, one of the more unfortunate assets I acquired along with CollegeHumor awhile back.  Namely, scribbled "evidence" that he's two-timing me by paying low-level IAC deckhands to leave.  It was some kid named Justin Omelette or something who worked at Vimeo, part of my Emerging Businesses division (which is internal speak for "special ed") and now runs some flash in the pan called "Muxtape."

Balderdash.  You can't two-time the Diller.

Here's the thing about Lodwick, whom I really only kept around because his name evokes scurvy-laden cabin boys.  He "founded" Vimeo, and under my watch he turned it into a hub for whiny hipsters sharing videos of their puppet shows while refusing to run ads from companies that weren't "creative" enough.  Creative my ass.  And he was a little bitch at board meetings.  So I made the pasty bastard walk the plank last year, or rather, I would've made him walk the plank if Frank Gehry hadn't rudely turned down my requests to salvage the plank from a shipwrecked privateering vessel and install it on the sixth floor of the building he designed for me on 18th and West. 

Imagine what fun it could've been to fire people that way!  Donald Trump, you'd have had nothing on me.

Anyway.  It's true that I'm paying that snivelling Lodwick bastard $100K annually.  But it's not to keep him from bribing my employees to join him as backup dancers in his little Lonely Hearts Start-Up Band.  No, I'm paying Jake to shut the fuck up, stop pissing on the door of the company H.Q., stop leaking stories about me to Nick Denton, and quit calling me up at 4 AM to offer shroom-enhanced haikus about how much he's better off without me.  He only thinks he's two-timing me, that clueless little jerk.

In other news, Herb's par-tay in Sun Valley would be a whole lot more pleasant if those Joost chaps would leave me alone and stop trying to sell me their shitty company.  I told my driver to throw them in the nearest swimming pool.  If he hasn't yet, I'm firing him.