You may think I've completely given up on the subprime credit crunch. Well while you were sucking down Coronas and eating chips and salsa this weekend, I figured the whole thing out. It's the hairy eyeball on the back of the dollar.

Take one out of your wallet right now. You don't have any? Well, don't go to a bank--they're not going to lend you one. And don't ask me to give you one. You'll just have to take my word for it. On the back of every dollar bill there's a pyramid with a scary, hairy eyeball on top. Up above is the phrase "Annuit Coeptis", a Latin phrase that means "New, improved taste". Down below appears "Novus Ordo Seclorum", which means "Helps control dandruff."

But the hairy eyeball is literally scaring away currency traders, causing the value of the dollar to fall against the Euro, the Danish kroner, and Upper Deck game-worn jersey cards of the Kansas City Royals. It's that bad.

So here's my plan. We sponsor a Dollar Design Contest, with a $5 entry fee. We're bound to get like a million new ideas, most if not all without some scary Masonic symbol that just screams "World-wide conspiracy!" Maybe something cool like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' logo, with a skull and crossbones.

There's only one winner, no runners-up, and we give the guy maybe a hundred bucks and a Federal Reserve 10K Fun Run for the Cure for Foreclosures T-shirt. We keep the rest--and by "we" I mean the Fed, not you. The crisis is over, just like that. And I can relax again.